Waiting.

Truth be told, I still miss her.

Its been three weeks since the broke up. Still, she treats me coldly as usual.

Last week, I made of lot of stuffs in order to prove my love for her. And I did plan to meet her after Raya on last Monday, cause I thought it might be the best time after all. To make sure I don't disturb her at her busiest moment like before, I asked her friend whether she's free during that moment. However, she somehow knew I was coming, and replied me with some harsh words.

And I admit, those harsh words did get into me. I was disappointed and also a little mad at the same time. That moment, i let my emotions control me, thinking if she really doesn't want to see me, then beat it. I will grant her what she wished for. (I even uploaded a stupid post saying goodbye)

 Few days passed, and a question still pops out from my mind: What exactly made us broke up?

From this, its seems like I haven't really let go. Seems like letting go its not easy as it seems, but the reason I can't let go its because I don't want to. I know some might say I'm stubborn, but I felt that a break up shouldn't be this rash, and yea, I still care for her. i want to her to be part of my life.

So, for now, I will still wait for her, wait until she's ready to face this problem. Like my pal JiaYuen said, we should solve this maturely like adults, and I admit these few weeks I 've been really childish in facing this issue.

If you are seeing this, maybe you might feel agitated, but no matter how, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you to be ready.

Peace out.

The man who can't be moved - The Script:

Our Love

I don't really know how to say this, but our love is kinda unique... (But then every couple claims theirs are too haha)

I think I really understand why she wanted to break up with me.
It's been 1 week since we broke up.
And during this period of time, I have my UPs and DOWNs...
Yea, I was emotionally unstable.. most of the time i was sad...

But then just now, when I was having my midterm test, something came to me...
These few days I wasn't able to really focus on anything due to what had happened to us..
But when I was left with 30 minutes preparing for my midterm, I forced myself to focus on the present moment, and guess what? Throughout the midterm, I was able to forget the pain and totally immersed into my paper~

This really made me think that whether to be sad or happy its really a matter of choice, because after I completed my paper, I suddenly feel an ease and was steady as if nothing bad had happened. So, one does really able to move on and forget about the past if one stays focus on the present.

So, you guys might think, what does this have to do with me and her? Well, before we broke up, we have a rough month, she was very busy with her stuffs and studies, while I was left alone simply missing her dearly. And during this period of time, I kept focus my attention on her, making the stressed girl that she already is even worse, more likely, she was thinking of me as a responsibility that needed to be taken care of. Gradually, she wasn't thinking of me as her boyfriend anymore (a boyfriend which always able to reduce her stress whenever she wants it). And that made her even tighten, as she is always the one who loves freedom. And believe me, I really do love seeing her being carefree and doing the things she wants, because i can really see that those are the things that made her very simply, happy. :)

But then, i guessed what really ended up was, after she started seeing me as a responsibility (and now that she already labelled me as "annoying"). Through this, i can really see how she tried her best to give me affection and love. And on that day, her reason she wanted to broke up was this: tired. She said she was tired of the responsibility of being needed to cheer me and entertain me as if I was one of her "clients". Another reason she said was, she does not have any affection or some might say "feeling" towards me any more as due to the long distance.

What came to me today was, the true reason why we broke up is, her life and my life were too "busy", as if everyday there will be stuffs needed to be taken care of... And when we are too immersed into these stuffs, we will gradually lose interests in keeping the things we held on, including our love life. Because our lives are just too interesting and it always has a way to tempt us from forgetting why we are keeping it.

And, although this is a problem I can see clearly, but i still think that i don't want to give up on her.
The reason why I suddenly understand why, and her true feeling is because, we both have chemistry.
I really felt that we both have a lot in common, our goals, our interests, our mindsets. I do really believe we have a lot of potential together being each other's partner. Together we really can achieve a lot, especially learning and experiencing life together (sounds very deep and mature, i know~ haha)

She is my Mrs Right, and i hope to gain her back. Cause in the end, although we are separated, and our lives tend to get really "busy", but i do believe, if we can take both our energies and focus more on creating stuffs together, we really can go through life together, and i do believe this would solve our problem. Soooo.. wish me luck!

Peace out.

心经（1）

今天的情绪，是起起落落的。。但现在总算 稳定多了。。

                从刚才，很害怕 同时 很伤心，到现在 心是平静，是信任对方的。。这过程中，是什么让我有 这么样的改变？

                看到说，自己真的 在学佛路上，一直忘记精进，忘了 佛法，忘了佛陀。。就这样，在这一段时期 因为 女孩的冷淡，就容易陷入缺自信，紧张，控制欲强的 男孩。。其实 事情只不过 是 她 忙，不能处理那么多的事情，而且 很厉害的是，她 很 清楚 自己 想要的是什么，而 认真地 去做。。

                而我，也忘了佛陀，不知不觉中 皈依于她了。。熊妈妈和熊爸爸 指点后才看见，原来 皈依人是很危险的 事情。。因为大家都是 凡夫，都是不圆满的，一旦 看见或遇上 不圆满时，周遭也容易 感受 不圆满。。导致皈依者 之前所 期待的，所期望的 造成失望。。

                所以，在感情上，该怎么去爱呢？爱 一个人，是没错，用自己的心去爱，但前提 是以自己的心，当你把所有的事物都放在她身上，一切 都为了她做，你还是 你自己吗？还是说，你还有 你自己吗？

            感情上，是两个人的事情，永远不是一个人的。。所以 自己的功课是，时时刻刻 要提起 正念，时时提起 自己 要为自己而活。。女孩 很清楚知道 她 自己 想怎么过她的大学生活，也很认真地 去看待 这件事，很积极的做；那么，男孩呢？男孩会不会是因为 觉得真的想要 做的东西，不是在大学生活中找到的，也同时 会对自己的学习 颓废 不认真，才会想要处处都为女孩就好了，跟女孩就好了呢？如果 是这么样，男孩要提醒自己了哦。。女孩 在为她想要做的事 不断地成长和改变（真的赞叹），男孩 是不是 该学一学 女孩，精进 做自己喜欢做和想要 拼的事呢？

            之前 出现的一个问题是：“那么 如果 我不是处处为了她，我会不会 不对她宽容，不再是 对她有无限的 爱了？”暂时是，或许 我不知道？自己没体验过。。但  能肯定的是 这样会很辛苦，而且 相信 女孩 也不需要这么样的东西，反而。。感觉 女孩 看到 自己的男孩 在真正做自己认真做的事，或许 会觉得帅？

            我想跟 张彦航说的是：“男孩，你很棒，她也看到，你不需要感到 害怕、恐慌 失落，因为 我相信 她 是 爱你的，包容你的，你就积极 去做你该 精进的部分吧！加油！祝福你哟！”

p/s: 你知道吗？你身边有很多很多 关心你的人也~ 一群善友 在扶持你也~ 你还很可爱的去执著在 你不应该 执著的东西~~ 一起 加油吧！_/\_

《来自般若心的你》学习心得

在这2天1夜和4天3夜的集训兼佛学营中学了体验了许多。在这次的因缘下，也当上了辅导员。也因为承担辅导员的位子，修学佛法也没有停留在佛学罢了，而有更深一层的体验 ——学佛。老实说，在集训和营的第1和第2天中因为处在开心状态就是平常心态中，所以师父和副题讲师所灌输的课程都觉得很实在很受用（当然也有一些时候不小心 睡着去了 哈哈）。从钟居士的课程中，除了refresh自己对四圣谛的原本的了解外，也更深层的了解了四圣谛，还有它与八正道的关系。反而在师父的课程呢，哈哈，可多呢。比如说，在第一和第二天师父一直都在给许多生活化的例子。刚开始给我的感觉，师父都一直在给很多例子，整体的感觉师父好像在聊天似的，更本没进入主题。可是在第一天的问题讨论后，才发觉师父的厉害。师父清楚地了解佛法是很贴切的，是生活化的，因此通过他的故事中他都一直在让我们看到法的存在。只要心越细，就能看到，体会到法。而了解这点后也更让我去专心地听师父的讲课。另外，也在师父的讲课中更深入地了解人的心念非常非常重要，它影响我们的范围多于平时我们想象的。在课程中也提到吸引力法则，让我更深入地相信这句：you are what you think。举个例子，成功人士为什么会成功，生病的人为什么会生病，那是因为成功人士往往以：“我要成功”的信念去面对一切问题，反而生病人会生病也是因为自己常告诉自己自己是很衰弱的。同样的，伤心人会伤心是因为他们让情绪去控制自己的心念，而不管是有意或无意就吸引了一切的负面事物与情绪，使自己更惨。但只要一个人时时刻刻保持正念，懂得把问题看得清楚并转念，一切事物都会随着心念而改变。当然，这样来说，开心与不开心 是一个选择。

                除此之外，这次营的主题是关于心经嘛，当然也在营中学习了心经里的含义。从中，让我觉得赞叹的是心经虽然只有区区的260个字，但佛教的中心思想都包含在里面了，而且含义也不浅哦！是有着深深的佛法智慧在里头！这让我觉得当时候取经的玄奘法师不简单，非常了不起，同样的，其他曾经翻译心经内容的法师都很伟大，因此也会更加珍惜心经等其他的经文，并在以后念诵心经时以正念去念诵。感恩。

当然，佛法不只是只停留在修学，还得去实践，说到这点就可难了。在营的第3和第4天，也因为某些事情的发生和自己的不了解和“想太多”，让自己进入了一个非常非常不开心的状态。因此不管是做什么事情都非常没有心情，也因为这件事，让我把问题的洞越挖越深，越陷越深。就如在上顶上的雪球一样，刚开始滚只不过是个小球，但因为一些不了解，成见，使球越滚越大，大得自己无法自拔。当自己发觉到这问题时，自己也想转念，可是本人本身就是喜欢执着于问题。每次都不爱放下，而特别是当问题牵涉到自己的信心时，更是难以收拾。这跟我刚才提到的开心与伤心只是个选择的论点就有了矛盾。那么矛盾在哪儿呢？矛盾在于本身知道必须转念，不要再拿着“包袱”不放，可是却放不下，从中也可以看得出自己还有很多很多的修行和实践必须作。

                最后如果你问我关于这4天3夜的感想呢，我只能说真的如过山车一样，有起有落。当然，从中看到自己可以因为一些小事而失去自己，对自己的肯定还不够，看到自己还是可以很容易被事物的发生而影响。因此也很感恩因为这次体验，让我更认清自己，知道自己必须再对于自我肯定中再加油，也同时在转念中学习不执着于当下的“包袱”，好好认清状况而作出改变，而不是反应。张彦航，you are and will always be as awesome as ever。祝福自己，也祝福一切成全我学习的因缘。加油。 :) 

First Degree Semester Break

heyyyyy what's up~~!!

哈哈，又是好久没打部落了，不知不觉一个月的Semester Break就这样过去了。该收拾得心情也应该是收得七七八八了，该准备好好拼一拼了。

在这semester break的我到底都在搞什么呢？Hmm..现在应该做个list下下.. 至少以后看回去可以让自己知道自己是那么厉害跑的 :3

• 15 & 16 September, 还记得当天是final最后一天。考完后的我们去看了《等一个人咖啡》，之后也与Karkin和 Ah Huat熬夜通宵玩到早上7点多的机。怎知道才睡一小时，父母就接我一同去法国村玩去了。当天整个人还真的像僵死一样，呵呵。
• 18 September, 与家胜和亲爱的妈妈一同去吉胆岛欣赏欣赏艺术，当天的天气还真的挺炎热，骑着租脚踏车在岛上四处游玩找艺术看。过程真的很好玩，谢谢妈妈！ ^^

  

  吉胆岛的directory，现在想回没与妈妈和家胜一起拍过全体照还真的很可惜 o.o

   
• 19 & 20 September, 因为housemate Joan和她表姐下来巴生参观，我与好友Ah Huat和家胜也一同带大家到i-city看灯光摆设，也在那儿的游乐园玩了些，其中还第一次踏上了摩天轮看夜景，是个不错的体验哦。第二天早上呢，还带大家到teluk pulai去Joan与她表姐
  意味想到的肉骨茶店吃早餐。由于还是第一次当了自己地方的导游，所以如果有哪里做得不够好就请原谅啦~
•  26 September, 与sanyong和say fong一同去mid valley打工。做了kuli帮忙个health exhibition set up场所。搬东西的过程好累好辛苦，不过有朋友一起共同做事的感觉也可以非常开心，因为知道是一起艰辛度一天。过程也体会赚钱不容易，因此该好好珍惜现在被给予的读书机会。
•  28 September, 滨海大型活动 —— 中秋节庆典。再次参与了缘之家，服务大众。这在这次的戏剧中又当了“人妖”。能够再次当了学长为大众服务的感觉很好很善，会在别人获取快乐当中自己心中也点燃了喜悦的燃料。中午也与老师和学长们一同吃午餐，真的好难得能与缘之家们好好坐下来吃个饭聊聊天了。发觉这些如一同吃饭看似不以为然的事，却因为够简单够单纯，才会升起深深的快乐与知足感。看来在这脚步快又充实的生活中，我的确需要很多的这些小细节让我快乐幸福。 X)
• 29 September, 与学长团其中要好的朋友/学长们 xinyi和ariel原本打算到shah alam的一个stadium游泳，怎么知道因为是星期一而游泳池关闭，结果还是到greenbox唱K去，也开开心心吃了subway。 ^^
  其实自己是爱唱歌的，可是觉得自己歌喉还需再加强许多。所以在又爱唱歌又厉害唱的你们俩面前都变得胆小不大敢唱去。从中看到了自己的心理障碍，要时时提醒自己要对活得没有焦虑啊~ 哈哈。
• 30 September, 与中学朋友们去KL相聚+一日的背包探险。不懂是jieren还是say fong的鬼主意，以running man玩的方式在每站LRT下火车完成任务。过程很疯狂和傻，不过还真的非常好玩下的。跟他们出来总是会有那么多的不可思议 哈哈。
•  1 October, 早上11点多被sanyong电话叫醒，说是yuhern生日要帮忙庆祝，就答应他们一起又坐火车到PJ的Jump Street一起“跳”。第一次体验如此特别如此好玩的运动，改次有机会一定还会去的！ :D

Jump Street! 

• 4 October, 难得家胜和xinyi有空，就拖他们还有缘之家的几位（包括妹妹，jingwei，yuhang）到bukit cahaya骑脚车运动运动。爱搞鬼搞笑的我们也在过程玩得很开心很开心。 :P

• 6 October, 与sanyong到了kampar，白天就与sanyong努力地卖脚踏车。从eastlake骑要卖的脚踏车到附近的脚踏车维修店维修后，又踏到客户的家去送"bicycle delivery"。这果然是个不错好玩的经验啊 :3
  晚上时，就与刚认识不久的网友/佛友/好友一起到附近的爱面子吃了晚餐。跟她聊天给人的感觉非常轻松自在，没有我想象中那么地尴尬。那晚能够与你聊天还真是挺开心的。 :)
• 7 October，晚上与sanyong，sayfong和其他他们的室友到kampar的电影院看《Annabelle》，知道自己胆小。。还是会多练练自己的胆量的。。哈哈。。
• 8 - 11 October, 出发到槟城去~ 第一夜合最后一夜住了yunni家，第二天在槟岛。整个旅程最刺激的还是能够与大家玩escape，超好玩的！ XP 最温馨呢？当然是与大家共享最后一夜的晚餐，大家边吃着有说有笑，真的感觉非常棒！谢谢你们！也谢谢yunni父母请客！感恩 _/\_
• 12 October, sem break最后一天，最后一次去了滨海。听黄老师的讲课，有许许多多的感触。感恩黄老师的用心弘法，祝福您快乐，也祝福您母亲早日康复 :)
  之后呢，大约晚上7点才回到宿舍，回到我的另外个家。

数一数，在这sem break原来大约去了13个outing也。。哈哈我实在是不错会走下下的。。不过最重要我也觉得我在这假期没浪费太多时间在上网和游戏，算是件好事吧。。从这假期中也让我经常在愉快的心情中，非常感恩自己没像以往那么颓废了。但最后放松归放松，现在开学了，心情收拾好后也该好好的拼一拼了！希望从这假期中让我也获取了许多的正能量，给我冲刺往前冲。

张彦航，加油加油加油！
大家，也一起加油！ :)

Parables - For Me and You

During this semester break, I kept moving back and forth into these emotional states of feeling agitated and feeling slothful. Agitated because I kept stressing myself up, whether is pressuring myself to be more productive or thinking WAYYY TOOO MUCHH, pushing my mind somehow to an extent that it is about to go KABOOM. On the other hand, after being so stressed up, there are sometimes that I felt that I don't feel like doing anything, and the word for that of course would be: LAZY (hehe the lazy me).

Somehow, perhaps I'm pushing myself too much by being too energetic and that cause myself to be loosen after that. And by the end of the day, what I normally do after that is, blaming myself, keep giving myself negative thoughts, feeding my mind with these poisons saying "you are such a loser" or "why can't you be any better?".

And for those who are reading this, if you are feeling the same way as I am, then that means YOU ARE A FAILURE TOO! opps just kidding. If you are feeling the same, then please tell yourself it's okay to be a failure, I mean, to procrastinate and not being productive, don't stress yourself too much, just relax and try to see the situation as what it is, don't judge and don't blame. As the definition of what's good and what's bad is just our perspective on things, the truth is things don't have good or bad, it simply is just what it is. :)

SOOO... what can we do then? Hmm.. I think I will let these 2 videos to explain more of it and thanks to these videos for inspiring me so much. Hope you guys have a great week ahead! Namaste. _/\_

疯狂的我

呵呵，看到我之前的post，这次我尽量不写那么长了:P ：

昨天（9月17日），我做了件很疯狂的事情，是我有史以来做过“暂时”最傻最突然的事了。

那时是下午1点多，刚睡醒就下来吃午餐了。吃了后也剪了指甲，突然看见妈妈刚从朋友那里拿回来的脚踏车，心血来潮便拿了出去骑一骑。那时我还是穿着睡衣（家里穿的普通衣服），钱包电话什么都没带，口袋只是有着一串家钥匙，一串脚车钥匙，就这样出去了。

原本还想说只是骑一下子逛逛看看家园附近最近的改变。怎么知道却越踏越远，不知不觉就踏进了sentosa里面。这时，心中突然有着莫名的冲动，想着一个非常傻且刺激的主意：“eii？不如咱们去家胜的家吧？” 就这样，我就踏到家胜家去了。

家胜，其实是我最要好朋友之一。不管是傻事还是心事我们都会常常一起分享，或许是因为相应的关系，所以每一次跟他在一起都会很舒服。而为什么我会说去他家是个傻主意呢？那是因为家胜他人住在Bandar Botanic，而我呢却住靠近sentosa，距离应该有8公里远，就连驾车到他家也大约需半小时时间。

不过当下会突然有着这念头，是因为想到家胜他人星期日就得回去金宝读书了，而我们之前答应说好这假期一起出来聊聊天。就这样，由于担心过后的几天里彼此没办法抽空出来，因此就告诉自己说：去吧！

另外，其实在考试期间里，也面临了许多打击自己自信心的问题，让我开始怀疑自己的潜能了。也借此机会发泄发泄。一开始有着这想法时，发觉自己的心是不敢不敢地，是那么的不果断，那么地胆小。问自己怕什么时，自己也不知道。难道说路程太远太危险了，自己一个人不敢去吗？这时脑子里也突然闪过自己读过的一篇文章，那篇文章是说关于如何成功，让我最印象深刻的一点是它说的我们往往会不成功，其中一个原因是因为我们怕成功，我们不敢接受成功，因为我们怕改变，因为我们现在过得很享受，有着很好的环境，很好的条件。恐怕努力过程中就失去了这些感受，这些好条件。可是，我们必须弄清楚的一点，这些我们现在享受的一切，它只能够暂时性地满足我们，我们始终还是会面临苦的。

当下脑子闪过这篇文章后，心立刻毫不犹豫地告诉身体说：“咱们冲吧！没什么好怕的，咱们必须要改掉这个“怕成功”的心态！”。就这样，不再害怕，不再犹豫地抱着一个心态：做，就是了。

过程，我才发觉原来在全身贯注地做一件事时（比如非常小心地看路；少车较安全时看看风景），路程其实没有自己想象中远，也没想象中累。或许是因为自己在做着自己喜欢我的事吧？但心中是希望自己在读书时也培养出这份坚持，不要再因为抗拒读书而懈怠了。

到达家胜家那瞬间，看得出他头上挂着好多问号。当他看见我脚踏车时，他才惊讶地问道：“你踏脚车来啊？！” 哈哈。。那表情还真是那么的可贵啊！ XP

在家胜家，我们聊了很多。从学业说到友情，从友情说到爱情，也从爱情说到"法侣情"，总之就是什么都聊，能够与好久没见面的好兄弟聊这么久 ，可说是种简单的幸福。兄弟，看好你的“小说”哦！ 加油！在这里也祝福你，希望你学业猛进，一起福慧双修。 :)

总结呢，昨天虽然是我做过最疯狂的一件事，但也是我做过最满足的一件事。从中我证明了自己其实是可以的，也肯定了自己其实是可以从不可能中变去可能，条件是只要告诉自己，也相信自己是能办到的，过程中也不去质疑，只是一味地去做，相信很多事情就这样可以迎刃而解。在这次的体会中，我也对这句：“目的地不重要，重要是过程。” 有着更深一层的体会。当初到达家胜家时，心里的确有着很大的满足感，非常地开心，但过了一段时间后才发觉这点成就虽然能够让我开心起来，可是主要让我更加开心地是它过程。因为过程中的心情起浮，有时紧张；有时谨慎；有时轻松；有时酸痛，这些多样化的心情不但让我能够察觉自己得更细，而且也在这些心态中了解了自己的一点点。最重要的，还是因为过程让我感觉人生更加地真实，更加地美。感恩自己，也感恩每一天有着让自己有机会学习的因缘。_/\_