第一届私立全营《找回自己》总心得报告

终于，营也来到了尾声。在这5天4夜的营中，说真的，学习了很多。除了在课堂上领悟了许多，使到更深一层的认识佛法的些内容与名相外，当然在身心上也体会了，清楚看见了自己多一点点。

在第2天的课堂中，师父就问了人生的几个关键问题，“你是谁？”，“来到了人间一趟是为了什么？”。每一次被问起类似的问题时，发现自己还是必须思考的，不能直接给个确实的答案，这证明自己还是不清楚的，所以必须时时刻刻做心里的checking。在思考多久后，心忆起了前一阵子的答案，就是：“我想要像太阳一样，用阳光照亮与温暖身边的人，以佛法的力量影响生命，再来慢慢生命影响生命，把许多欢乐和正能量带给大家。” 因此，也在这营中想把这温暖带给大家，至少带给自己的小组也已经够了。但后来才发现大家（刚开始）挺冷漠的，也或许是自己的心情是属于较“开心” 的状态，反而大家之间的冰未破解，所以难免会有着防备心。也因为这样的不习惯，我反而被大家的冰冷给影响了，更重要的是，我被自己的expectation影响了。当reality没遇上expectation时，召来的可就是失望感。老实说，这使我挺退心的，尤其在小组讨论时自己被冷漠忽视。面对这份无奈感是我在这营中学到的最大功课，因为它是那么的真实。

当退心时，好玩的地方就来了，自己有机会察觉自己的心是如何变化的。而在这情况里，我心回到了那缺乏信心、想太多、慢热的模式。发觉自己在过程中会一直思考：“这个该不该说？说了后会不会又被伤到再次退心？” 也发觉因为处于这样的心情，反而升起了另种心态 —— 妒忌和傲慢心。这心态足使我容易对于一个人的言行举止产生反感和批判。心中会一直想类似如：“他这样做了不起咩？我也能做到。”，“为什么他这样做得了那么多人的鼓掌？难道大家没看到他这样做其实是不大正确的吗？”。其实回到来，这些心情的升起只不过是再告诉自己，自己想要被认可，最重要想要被爱。这自卑且傲慢的心情只不过是个“闹钟”提醒自己自己的内心的状况。

过程中，能够发觉自己内心的变动，说真的，就像师父说的，非常好玩，哈哈。好玩在于能够诚实面对自己，能够看到自己是那么多不足和烦恼的。当然重点还是回到发觉后的学习，学习如何更加精进、净化自己。

也在过程中，体验后，就会告诉自己：现在看到了，感受了，体验了，就该抽离这份负面情绪了。因为自己清楚知道自己要的张彦航不是这样的。因此，该学习放下。

虽然现在暂时还不能完全解决这心的问题（因为我知道要是问题再来，我还是会再次被弄倒）。但至少现在的我知道这与角色的了解与肯定有关。当清楚知道自己的角色时，就知道自己什么事情该管，什么事情不该管；什么东西该说，什么东西不该说。这也是佛教徒应保持的一种心态。也当完全清楚后，就不用害怕被伤害或是伤害人。这样就知道什么是自己该承担的，什么不是。常常因为太在乎的我，会常怀疑自己这么样子说/做，他人会okay吗？我这样做他们不会受伤吧？

就是这些“想太多",也过度注重别人感受（或别人对我的感受）使自己退缩。其实事情发生只不过是个过程，无需想太多。每个人都该为自己的情绪负责任，没有一个人该为他人的心情做负责。保持清醒，清楚了解自己的角色，不要与别人的混乱，该说的说，该做的做。举个例子，若是平时普通话自己没说错什么，但别人介意了，那就让别人对自己的烦恼负责，不要当作自己的来虐待自己。要对自己有信心与肯定，还有当然，要时时爱自己！哈哈。

来到营的最后一天，才明白要像太阳也要有智慧。一个阳光炽烈的太阳感召来的是众生的反感。但一个懂得随顺境况而给予适当的阳光的太阳反而感召大家的喜爱与开心。

最后，为自己的学习感到开心，祝福自己能有满满心力来面对人生。
愿 自己时常忆起三宝，以佛法为导航面对挫折。
愿 自己能够以智慧与慈悲面对人生。

感恩

心法 合十

笑忘歌

今天，在一个很美丽又奇妙的因缘下，我认识了这首歌由五月天唱的《笑忘歌》。在回家路途中，因为电话的酷我有了些版权问题，所以就下载了另外个音乐apps，也因为心血来潮，就听听了五月天小巨蛋DNA演唱会的歌，其中一首就是这首。

当在火车上听到这首歌时，我全身直接被歌的词，旋律和曲子给动心了，身体都鸡皮疙塔了起来。心中有种莫名的感动。或许是因为当下的心情和频率是与这首歌非常的in tune。

后来回到家重新听这首歌时，果然歌词是非常有意思的。是一首非常非常棒的歌。

这首歌告诉了我，再大再看似辛苦的问题，都还是会这样过去的，也提醒了我更重要的是，千万不要把每一天的微笑，每一天的开心当作理所当然。去用心感恩每一天所赐给我们的一切好与不好，也常常感恩、感谢自己能够允许自己快乐，因为您是值得拥有的。

彦航在这祝福自己，也祝福大家。 :)

笑忘歌

作詞：阿信
作曲：怪獸

屋頂的天空是我們的 放學後夕陽也都會是我們的
不會再讓步更多了
唱一首屬於我們的歌 讓我們的傷都慢慢慢的癒合
明天我又會是全新的 OH ~

青春是手牽手坐上了 永不回頭的火車
總有一天我們都老了 不會遺憾就OK了

傷心的 都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈 從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你 都約好了 要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢


自己和自己打一架了 想通想不通反正就是這樣了
不會再流淚更多了
有多少錯誤重蹈覆轍 有多少苦痛還不是都過來了
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com　魔鏡歌詞網 
想起來甚至還會笑呢 OH ~

青春是人生的實驗課 錯也錯的很值得
就算某天唱起這首歌 眼眶會有一點濕熱

傷心的 都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈 從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你 都約好了 要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢


傷心的 都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈 從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你 都約好了 要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢

誰說這樣不偉大呢

LIFE Update

Okay~ So here's a quick update of what's happening in my life recently...

So, as you guys already know, this sem is the second semester of my year 2, which is my short semester. And this week will be my last week of lecture, which is... WEEEKKK 7!!! And for Utarians, this means finals will be starting next week! Time sure flies fast huh?

SOOO... have I prepare for my finals? Well.. not really, progress is still slow though, lots of stuffs need to prepare if I really wanna score well this time. Plus actually tomorrow I will be having my midterm.. I know, midterm at the end of the sem, ironic right? Haha.. anyway I take it as a chance for me to study and cover those I haven't cover yet.

Recently, I had much fun, much laughter and my schedule is supeeerrr packed! How packed?

Well, for studies, its like almost every week I have reports and assignments to submit and midterms to face.

For curriculum (where the real fun is, heh), its like almost every weekend I have activities/events to attend, such as Fun Meditation Camp, A Song For You, Trekathon, 大马好, Hymn Sharing, Xiong Mama's Talk, Big Bad Wolf and of course not to mention, the most recent event - Slide The freaking-awesome-wait-for-it CITYYY!!

Honestly, in this semester, there are times where I got emo and times where I'm just too busy enjoying the present moment, And I noticed, the times where I got depressed and wasted in useless thoughts are getting lesser and lesser, which I take it as a really good sign. Finally, I think its safe to say that my fist is slowly open... or should I say: 开始不疼不痛不痒了... Looking back, I really felt that I don't deserve to be treated that way. And now I can truly say I don't need her to be happy. Because me, and only me myself can be the source of happiness. Same goes for everyone.
No one should be their source of happiness, because if you do, you will be living a very tiring and sad life. Maybe that's the danger of falling too deep in love?

Anyway, that's all I wanna say for now. I'm already getting my feet up and standing proud as:
THE ONE AND ONLY FREAKING AWESOME LEGENDARY LLOYD TEOH. Those who are still drifting in the past or in depression or maybe just started to stand up, let us live life the fullest, shall we? :)

知足。

一切都无需说了吧？

过去就让它过去。

真正的爱 就像在公园里的花，

不去摘下她，独自占有；

而是欣赏那样的她，为她浇水，祝福她。

那天你和我　那晚星空

那樣的唱著　那时候的歌
那樣的回憶　那麼足夠。

一切就埋在 回忆 吧。

就 回忆。

:)

晚安。

未完成的功课

现在的我，彻底明白当时她的心情了。为什么当初的她会就这样离开了。

感恩这位重要的人，让我看见自己的学习。

当人与人之间发生摸擦，发生争执时，原因并不是我们往往想的那样——因为他人的不好。

不是因为他人这个态度，这个习性，这个举动害我们发生这样的事情。

不是因为那句：“都是因为他啦，害我们现在这样，都是他哪里哪里哪里错。” 

或许，的确，他本身有不足的地方（但有谁没有不足之处呢？）。

我想说的是，其实发生人与人之间，发生的不愉快之事，其实是个学习过程。

又是那老套的话吧？张彦航整天爱把“学习”两个字挂在嘴上。

但没错，的确是学习。

我相信，因为自己的业力，也因为他人的业力，当然加上了不同的缘，促使我们在一起（当然，我不是单说爱情，也包括亲情，友情等）。也因为我们只是人，所谓人就是依然和“烦恼”这两个字息息相关，人所带的业力，促使一切的发生，管他开心或不开心。

而在这情况下，人与人就发生争执和摸擦。但其实，这摸擦的发生，像我所说的，因为自己的业障，所以才显现。它的发生其实是因为之前过去的不足，不完美，而在这世或此刻才发生的。简单来说，就是之前我们没把功课做好，现在的我们就必须面对后果。

但就因为这样，停留在后果吗？并不是，反而我会想是个“未完成的功课” 。它其实就在提醒我们哪里做的不足，哪里是过去还没做好的功课，必须此刻下功夫，以“面对它，接受它，处理它，放下它”的心态面对。

换句话说，摸擦会发生是因为生命有一些事情想要你学习。

在这情况中，那位重要的人让我看见以前的我，以前的我是如何把自己的重心放在她身上。促使她喘不过气来，而走了。而我，今天也站在她的角度，才看见原来她是非常辛苦的。此刻的我，才深深明白自己的不足。

但，反而，奇妙的是，当我们选择面对，接受和处理后，自己的心情，其实不是负面的，真的是正面的。你会觉得开心，舒服，自在。这是因为，你真的看见了，你真的感受到了，所谓你已经不再这烦恼中轮回了。所以，一旦一个人面对，接受，处理后，依然觉得不开心。那表示本身还没在烦恼中找到自己的答案，这功课始终未完成，就这样在苦中轮回。

也因为面对，接受和处理后，最后的步骤——放下就来的容易。就像熊妈妈曾经说过，一旦我们真的做好前面那三个“它”后，最后的“它”比想象中来的容易，是完全不再有任何的感情纠结，没有任何的不舍，就简单的，放下了。

我不知道现在的我可以说出这样的东西表示我是否放下了没。或许之后再看到有让我想起她的东西，又在进入轮回，哈哈。但，我这次会提醒自己，这表示是自己“未完成的功课”，因此必须好好去观察“苦”的根源。同时呢，也要提醒自己，不去特意去想多多，纠结在为什么还没发现到“苦”何在。因为像我说的，也必须看自己的业力 和 缘，当因缘成熟，自然会显现出来，所以我们在这过程中该怎么说呢？简单，好好地做自己。

祝福 她 能够面对自己的 烦恼。

祝福 这位让我有这么 丰富学习的人 能够坚强长大。

祝福 我自己能够活在当下，把握和精进在每一个学习。

晚安。 :)

突然好想你。

Short Sem来了，果然过得很充实。SYN, Assignment, Report, midterm, 佛学活动，交际活动，一切都让这sem添上了不少的色彩。但，你相信吗？过了那么久了，我还是依然放不下。

朋友家人都以为我没事了，因为在他们面前我学会挂上了微笑的脸庞，学会了坚强。换上个新发型，学会多打扮，让人家都觉得我，真的不一样了。但，在心里，有多少的不一样呢？

过了6个月多了，心里还是依然在想她。几乎每个早晨的冲凉房里，胡思乱想的就是与她不再一起走下去的日子。“为什么会发生这种事？”这问题，依然在自己的脑海中浮现。与她的一切一切回忆，开心与难过的回忆都如总不迟到的信鸽每天准时报到。

虽然6个月了，嘴上不再挂着她的事，但心里依然还不放。不是没事了，而是学会坚强，学会带着影子过每一天，每当信鸽来了，心情沉重了。心里也很不要脸的去想你是否也和我一样？都过得那么不开心？还是，其实你早已经放下了了许多血多，甚至完全没有我们的回忆，不管开心与不开心的回忆，已经没有任何牵挂。

偶尔的不甘心，不知足。也偶尔的纯傻。怎么傻？傻在心里有多莫地不甘心，却常常洗脑告诉自己，“她，快乐就好。”

常常告诉自己，若现在的她，真的很快乐，真的不需要我，那么我就从她生命中消失吧。只为了，不再给她更多的烦恼。

“若当初”这三个字根本就是不实用的东西，多想也没有用，但还是会去想。想：“为什么？”

她，是我选择的。所以，一切的发生，的确是自己必须承担面对的。一切的爱错，就告诉自己是自己的学习吧。她要的从来更本不是这样的爱。我，爱错了，也爱太深了。

充实归充实，但充实到不再认得自己，有何处呢？

祝 你依然一切顺利，过得开开心心

愿 生命指引我，导向更好的明天

Year 2 Semester 2

Hey guys! Guess what? Remember that small getaway with Faguang Shifu that I mentioned in the previous post? Well... Eventually, I cancelled off all my programs I had for that period of time and spontaneously, went to Malacca and followed Shifu to Cameron and came back to Malacca again! That whole experience took 1 week of my semester break, and no, I didn't regret it! It was an unforgettable yet fun experience overall. And of course, during the whole trip, I had my ups and downs, and I promised myself to write a 心得 about it, yet I've been slacking after coming back from the trip, but now that school reopens, I guess I can give myself some little motivation to write the 心得. So yea, I OWE myself, and you guys a 心得! Haha.

Okay, enough talk about the trip, the current time now is 0031, 26/10/15. So, that means today is the official day school reopens! Frankly, I'm quite looking forward to this semester. Looked through last semester, and I was really really indeed very grateful that I didn't fail my subjects, and coincidentally the results is the same as my Y1S1 results. A heart-broken experience happened last semester, and that leaded to me living a lifestyle which involves mostly procrastination. I was literally a walking zombie for last semester.

However, this semester, I want to be different, I want a new start. I want to forget the past, and live on ahead, I want to strive to be better and live up to my highest potential. Also, however, things are always easier said than done, there still be personal problems and obstacles that I have to face, such as the temptation of housemates inviting to play games and such. But still, I have to believe myself, and keep reminding myself to be aware of what I truly want in life. Always live like dying. Appreciate. Cherish. And take chances when there are.

So... yea.. I guess that's all I have to say about this new semester.

Lloyd, its time to wake up. You can do it. Cause you are the FRIGGIN' AWESOME LLOYD TEOH, aren't you not? :)

Last words:
Year 2 Semester 2, get ready, cause here I come!

Semester Break has Begun?

Well... I know I haven't been blogging for quite some time already, so I think I should at least give myself a "be-with-myself" moment to arrange and express some of my thoughts to the things which had happened recently.

So, semester break just started! *yippee* Although there wasn't much difference before and after sittings for finals. I was the same old slacking me, in fact, I might had gotten even worse, I had lose the spirit to fight for finals, you can say that I'm not as keen to push up my grades as the previous semester. One of the reasons is firstly, to be honest, the break-up that happened in June really had taken a huge toll on me. During that period, I didn't have the interests to attend school, I find it hard to keep myself motivated. And so, I skipped classes, most of them. Until when finals was just around the corner that I realized there were plenty of syllables that I had to catch up. Also, now that I had moved to a new environment, the hostel which I'm staying is a lot more merrier than ever, housemates are just so warm and friendly that almost everyday we have something to laugh at. And also, this comes with some disadvantages, almost everyday me and the boys would played dotA at least 1 round. If its not dotA, then it would be going out for supper or playing cards with the girls. But seriously, I enjoyed being accompanied by you guys, the house that you guys lighted up also had lighted my heart in some ways. Thanks guys. :)

Now that semester break just started, what are the plans I have in mind? Well, firstly, there are some responsibilities which is related to SYN and BMSM that I have to tend to, so there's no escaping from that. Other than that, I plan to focus more on doing the things I like and have more quality time with myself. In my mind, there are a lot of things which I would love to do in this semester, those of which are as below:

1. Plan a small getaway! - I am really hoping that I can take my bag and just escape. Escape to where ever that provides peace and serenity, so that there are plenty of time I can be with myself and reflect upon myself on the past, present and future, you know, get myself clear out of the craps and find clarity in how should I live my life next. That's why I intend to stay in Faguang Shifu's monastery for a few days, but sadly, he will not be in for these few weeks as he has talks to give every where.
In fact, he even invited me to tag along with him to his talks in Cameron and Kelantan. It would be really fun, and honestly, I am eager to go there, however I won't be free on those days. *sigh*

2. Working - Yes, you hear me right, I plan to work in this holiday. The reason is not just only to earned some allowance, but also, the main reason is that I wish to donate some of the money to the Syrian refugees. Yesterday, I looked through the UNCHR website (which belongs to the UN's refugee agency), and I found this:

And as much as I wanted to help, I think with my limitations, I can only donate for 50 USD, which if it converts from RM, it would be around RM220. However, there's are challenges in finding part-time jobs.

3. Drawing manga - inspired by the animes that I recently watched, I felt like giving a shot in manga, as an interest and also express myself more during this free time.

4. Taking up guitar and drum lessons - As an interest, but sadly, Caleb will not be free during these few weeks too, and that means I would have to either take up lessons from else where (which I'm not really comfortable with) or just let go of this thought.

So, yea... also now that I'm at home, surely my mum will ask me to do some chores and help out on her work and stuffs. *sigh* Haha, so hope that I can spend my time wisely and live it to its fullest!

I guess I will stop blogging for now, and by then I will keep updating myself.

Peace out.

Partings

In life, each and every one of us face partings, despite we want it or not. Parting itself is not the issue, but the feeling of parting is, and it is a weird one too.

Today, one of my closet pal just flied to Beijing to further his studies, me and the UTAR gang went to send him off as an official farewell. To be honest, I never thought I would really felt this unwillingness. Before he went off, we are still happily joking around and chatting as usual, as if nothing big or significant was happening, there wasn't a sense of parting, not even when we took group photos. Not until my buddy's mom suddenly rushed toward him and gave him a hug, a big warmth motherly hug, a hug which symbolizes a mother's deepest love and affection towards her parting son. And that's when we all suddenly realized this: My pal here is actually LEAVING. Leaving in terms of that you will never get to see him again for a few months. From what used to be every Sundays meet up to organizing a camp together, and until today. He was, leaving. And just when he said the last goodbye to us all, and seeing him walking along the corridor, this popped out of my head, thinking: "He's actually leaving. There will be no more Tingyew for a time being.". And just then, the emotions started to sink in.

It's rare for me to face such partings, I guess its because I felt that almost everyone that I hold dearly are always there by my side, making me feel simply, warmth and happy. However, what I experienced today was the same as the day that I visited my ex, which is the feeling that some bit of my heart just tore down, and the feeling of loneliness kicks in. Bits of pain, bits of unwillingness and bits of loneliness. So I see, this is the feeling of parting.

And from this, I realized something, humans are really funny and slow creatures. When someone or something is taken from our life, only then we start to feel the sense of losing, and just only then we feel that we haven't been appreciating that someone or something's presence enough, and taken it for granted. I find it very amusing but at the same time, this feeling makes me feel more alive, more human, and i guess you could say this is life?

So, I guess this experience also serves as a reminder to me, that is to appreciate and treat each and every one of the people around me sincerely, whether is just acquaintance or best bros, cause you never know when will they disappear from  your life. Just. Appreciate.

P/s: For that specific guy that just flied to Beijing, remember to stay YOLO and live hard, play hard! You better be in good shape (in spite of academic or in life) when I see you again, because surely I will not be losing to you too! Let's add oil! Wish you all the best! :)

Choice.

Always remind myself:
Every choice that I made will be and always be the best choice (in fact there's no absolute perfect choice), because behind it there is something that is needed to be learnt. :)

Science and spirituality: Jeff Lieberman at TEDxCambridge 2011

I find the video that I'm going to share very inspiring. This guy in the video is Jeff Lieberman, an MIT-trained artist, scientist and engineer, who makes a scientific argument for mystical experience.
And in this video, he shared his theory of what us humans are, just what exactly are we? Human? Energy? Or consciousness?

Indeed, it not only share the core essence of Buddhism, but also other religion. I find it truly astonishing for someone who is able to go as detailed as him. A complete mind-blown I would say, and after seeing the video, one thing comes into my head: "Why worry?".

Hope this video inspires all of you who are reading this.

Sadhu.

 

Songs that Speak: "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran

Loving can hurt

Loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard

You know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal

Loving can mend your soul

And it's the only thing that I know (know)

I swear it will get easier

Remember that with every piece of ya

And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

We keep this love in this photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts were never broken

Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me

That's OK, baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

Wait for me to come home [4x]

Oh you can fit me

Inside the necklace you got when you were 16

Next to your heartbeat

Where I should be

Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me

Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away

I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost

Back on 6th street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home."

欣航恋：学习心得

结束后，我觉得 也应该做出一个整理。

整理我从这次里向她也好，向自己也好，或是向这感情都好，所学习的心得。

在这里，我学习了信任 一直是很重要的，不管在任何恋情中。因为信任，彼此才不怀疑；因为信任，才有自由，才能够真正做回自己。在任何恋情中，我们总应该学习 相信 我们的另一半，虽然负面情绪和思考总是 会给你很多很多的“绊脚石”，让你想太多，但 如果感情一直都被 爱 牵伴着，你就不用质疑，因为你对她的爱，在她心里是 绝对的。

另外，感情的持久 是靠双方的意愿。一旦其中一方不想了，那么 也没有意思继续了。但停止了，也不代表爱 结束了。在最近看的一套戏“ Book of Life"里，其中个死神La muerte，曾说："True love, that really, really good kind of love never dies." 没错，爱 是非常美好的，是感动的，是无穷的包容的，因为 爱，它角色很单纯：就是 爱 而已，没其他元素。

所以，让我收获最多最大的是，在这感情里，努力了，尽了后，若 缘分未到，那么也只能 接受，平且 放下。没错，所以 我给的最后一个 爱 是 放下。

Sometimes in life, when you care for someone or something too much, you just have to let it go. Because one thing for sure, you just want that someone to be simply, happy.

Girl, I really hope for the best for you. And really hope you can be happy as always. :)

谢谢 你以前给的美好，那些回忆都很快乐。

珍惜。爱。永别。

Our story: END

So, our story officially ended.

How did it go? Well, all the efforts I made had put into waste. The things that I wanted to show her so badly didn't manage to let her see. Simply, she refused to, can I blame her? No. It's her choice.

After the 5 minute debating, it ended with me saying a lot of "sorries". Sorry for all the mistakes that I made which led her to feeling unhappy.

However, after she went up. her friend told me the main reason why she wanted to break up with me so badly...

The reason is that. he said, whenever she needs me, I wasn't there for her. And he said it was because of distance. I didn't know that she was in a lot of pain and stress recently that she just need me to be there to comfort her. And if only she said that, I wouldn't mind rushing up here, just to be with her.

However, the question is, I can be with her 1 day or 2 days or maybe a week, but can i always be there for her? When I'm not there, she simply can't feel my presence.

I wanted to let her know how badly I wanted to be there for her, and I want her to know that my heart is always there for her. I want to let her know she is my world, and I am always wanting of having her beside me. But, sadly. she can't feel it.

Can I blame her? No. It's her choice. But for me one thing for sure is, distance never separates two people who are deeply in love with each other. And I'm going to hold on to that...

But hey, at least, I tried my best, right? No regrets. Still, I hope she will be as happy as always. And meet someone who's willing to give her as much love as she needs to. I hope she will be loved and I wish for the best for her.

I guess, now that I tried, what my next step is, letting her go, which some might say its the hardest.
Well, yea, it is the hardest, at least for me. But as the classic cliche goes "if you really love someone, you'll have to let her go." So, that's what I'm going to do now.

陈欣盈，只想让你知道，我的心里 一直一直 都有你。也会记得这么样的一个陈欣盈。

我爱你。

掰掰。 :)

Waiting.

Truth be told, I still miss her.

Its been three weeks since the broke up. Still, she treats me coldly as usual.

Last week, I made of lot of stuffs in order to prove my love for her. And I did plan to meet her after Raya on last Monday, cause I thought it might be the best time after all. To make sure I don't disturb her at her busiest moment like before, I asked her friend whether she's free during that moment. However, she somehow knew I was coming, and replied me with some harsh words.

And I admit, those harsh words did get into me. I was disappointed and also a little mad at the same time. That moment, i let my emotions control me, thinking if she really doesn't want to see me, then beat it. I will grant her what she wished for. (I even uploaded a stupid post saying goodbye)

 Few days passed, and a question still pops out from my mind: What exactly made us broke up?

From this, its seems like I haven't really let go. Seems like letting go its not easy as it seems, but the reason I can't let go its because I don't want to. I know some might say I'm stubborn, but I felt that a break up shouldn't be this rash, and yea, I still care for her. i want to her to be part of my life.

So, for now, I will still wait for her, wait until she's ready to face this problem. Like my pal JiaYuen said, we should solve this maturely like adults, and I admit these few weeks I 've been really childish in facing this issue.

If you are seeing this, maybe you might feel agitated, but no matter how, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you to be ready.

Peace out.

The man who can't be moved - The Script:

Our Love

I don't really know how to say this, but our love is kinda unique... (But then every couple claims theirs are too haha)

I think I really understand why she wanted to break up with me.
It's been 1 week since we broke up.
And during this period of time, I have my UPs and DOWNs...
Yea, I was emotionally unstable.. most of the time i was sad...

But then just now, when I was having my midterm test, something came to me...
These few days I wasn't able to really focus on anything due to what had happened to us..
But when I was left with 30 minutes preparing for my midterm, I forced myself to focus on the present moment, and guess what? Throughout the midterm, I was able to forget the pain and totally immersed into my paper~

This really made me think that whether to be sad or happy its really a matter of choice, because after I completed my paper, I suddenly feel an ease and was steady as if nothing bad had happened. So, one does really able to move on and forget about the past if one stays focus on the present.

So, you guys might think, what does this have to do with me and her? Well, before we broke up, we have a rough month, she was very busy with her stuffs and studies, while I was left alone simply missing her dearly. And during this period of time, I kept focus my attention on her, making the stressed girl that she already is even worse, more likely, she was thinking of me as a responsibility that needed to be taken care of. Gradually, she wasn't thinking of me as her boyfriend anymore (a boyfriend which always able to reduce her stress whenever she wants it). And that made her even tighten, as she is always the one who loves freedom. And believe me, I really do love seeing her being carefree and doing the things she wants, because i can really see that those are the things that made her very simply, happy. :)

But then, i guessed what really ended up was, after she started seeing me as a responsibility (and now that she already labelled me as "annoying"). Through this, i can really see how she tried her best to give me affection and love. And on that day, her reason she wanted to broke up was this: tired. She said she was tired of the responsibility of being needed to cheer me and entertain me as if I was one of her "clients". Another reason she said was, she does not have any affection or some might say "feeling" towards me any more as due to the long distance.

What came to me today was, the true reason why we broke up is, her life and my life were too "busy", as if everyday there will be stuffs needed to be taken care of... And when we are too immersed into these stuffs, we will gradually lose interests in keeping the things we held on, including our love life. Because our lives are just too interesting and it always has a way to tempt us from forgetting why we are keeping it.

And, although this is a problem I can see clearly, but i still think that i don't want to give up on her.
The reason why I suddenly understand why, and her true feeling is because, we both have chemistry.
I really felt that we both have a lot in common, our goals, our interests, our mindsets. I do really believe we have a lot of potential together being each other's partner. Together we really can achieve a lot, especially learning and experiencing life together (sounds very deep and mature, i know~ haha)

She is my Mrs Right, and i hope to gain her back. Cause in the end, although we are separated, and our lives tend to get really "busy", but i do believe, if we can take both our energies and focus more on creating stuffs together, we really can go through life together, and i do believe this would solve our problem. Soooo.. wish me luck!

Peace out.

心经（1）

今天的情绪，是起起落落的。。但现在总算 稳定多了。。

                从刚才，很害怕 同时 很伤心，到现在 心是平静，是信任对方的。。这过程中，是什么让我有 这么样的改变？

                看到说，自己真的 在学佛路上，一直忘记精进，忘了 佛法，忘了佛陀。。就这样，在这一段时期 因为 女孩的冷淡，就容易陷入缺自信，紧张，控制欲强的 男孩。。其实 事情只不过 是 她 忙，不能处理那么多的事情，而且 很厉害的是，她 很 清楚 自己 想要的是什么，而 认真地 去做。。

                而我，也忘了佛陀，不知不觉中 皈依于她了。。熊妈妈和熊爸爸 指点后才看见，原来 皈依人是很危险的 事情。。因为大家都是 凡夫，都是不圆满的，一旦 看见或遇上 不圆满时，周遭也容易 感受 不圆满。。导致皈依者 之前所 期待的，所期望的 造成失望。。

                所以，在感情上，该怎么去爱呢？爱 一个人，是没错，用自己的心去爱，但前提 是以自己的心，当你把所有的事物都放在她身上，一切 都为了她做，你还是 你自己吗？还是说，你还有 你自己吗？

            感情上，是两个人的事情，永远不是一个人的。。所以 自己的功课是，时时刻刻 要提起 正念，时时提起 自己 要为自己而活。。女孩 很清楚知道 她 自己 想怎么过她的大学生活，也很认真地 去看待 这件事，很积极的做；那么，男孩呢？男孩会不会是因为 觉得真的想要 做的东西，不是在大学生活中找到的，也同时 会对自己的学习 颓废 不认真，才会想要处处都为女孩就好了，跟女孩就好了呢？如果 是这么样，男孩要提醒自己了哦。。女孩 在为她想要做的事 不断地成长和改变（真的赞叹），男孩 是不是 该学一学 女孩，精进 做自己喜欢做和想要 拼的事呢？

            之前 出现的一个问题是：“那么 如果 我不是处处为了她，我会不会 不对她宽容，不再是 对她有无限的 爱了？”暂时是，或许 我不知道？自己没体验过。。但  能肯定的是 这样会很辛苦，而且 相信 女孩 也不需要这么样的东西，反而。。感觉 女孩 看到 自己的男孩 在真正做自己认真做的事，或许 会觉得帅？

            我想跟 张彦航说的是：“男孩，你很棒，她也看到，你不需要感到 害怕、恐慌 失落，因为 我相信 她 是 爱你的，包容你的，你就积极 去做你该 精进的部分吧！加油！祝福你哟！”

p/s: 你知道吗？你身边有很多很多 关心你的人也~ 一群善友 在扶持你也~ 你还很可爱的去执著在 你不应该 执著的东西~~ 一起 加油吧！_/\_

《来自般若心的你》学习心得

在这2天1夜和4天3夜的集训兼佛学营中学了体验了许多。在这次的因缘下，也当上了辅导员。也因为承担辅导员的位子，修学佛法也没有停留在佛学罢了，而有更深一层的体验 ——学佛。老实说，在集训和营的第1和第2天中因为处在开心状态就是平常心态中，所以师父和副题讲师所灌输的课程都觉得很实在很受用（当然也有一些时候不小心 睡着去了 哈哈）。从钟居士的课程中，除了refresh自己对四圣谛的原本的了解外，也更深层的了解了四圣谛，还有它与八正道的关系。反而在师父的课程呢，哈哈，可多呢。比如说，在第一和第二天师父一直都在给许多生活化的例子。刚开始给我的感觉，师父都一直在给很多例子，整体的感觉师父好像在聊天似的，更本没进入主题。可是在第一天的问题讨论后，才发觉师父的厉害。师父清楚地了解佛法是很贴切的，是生活化的，因此通过他的故事中他都一直在让我们看到法的存在。只要心越细，就能看到，体会到法。而了解这点后也更让我去专心地听师父的讲课。另外，也在师父的讲课中更深入地了解人的心念非常非常重要，它影响我们的范围多于平时我们想象的。在课程中也提到吸引力法则，让我更深入地相信这句：you are what you think。举个例子，成功人士为什么会成功，生病的人为什么会生病，那是因为成功人士往往以：“我要成功”的信念去面对一切问题，反而生病人会生病也是因为自己常告诉自己自己是很衰弱的。同样的，伤心人会伤心是因为他们让情绪去控制自己的心念，而不管是有意或无意就吸引了一切的负面事物与情绪，使自己更惨。但只要一个人时时刻刻保持正念，懂得把问题看得清楚并转念，一切事物都会随着心念而改变。当然，这样来说，开心与不开心 是一个选择。

                除此之外，这次营的主题是关于心经嘛，当然也在营中学习了心经里的含义。从中，让我觉得赞叹的是心经虽然只有区区的260个字，但佛教的中心思想都包含在里面了，而且含义也不浅哦！是有着深深的佛法智慧在里头！这让我觉得当时候取经的玄奘法师不简单，非常了不起，同样的，其他曾经翻译心经内容的法师都很伟大，因此也会更加珍惜心经等其他的经文，并在以后念诵心经时以正念去念诵。感恩。

当然，佛法不只是只停留在修学，还得去实践，说到这点就可难了。在营的第3和第4天，也因为某些事情的发生和自己的不了解和“想太多”，让自己进入了一个非常非常不开心的状态。因此不管是做什么事情都非常没有心情，也因为这件事，让我把问题的洞越挖越深，越陷越深。就如在上顶上的雪球一样，刚开始滚只不过是个小球，但因为一些不了解，成见，使球越滚越大，大得自己无法自拔。当自己发觉到这问题时，自己也想转念，可是本人本身就是喜欢执着于问题。每次都不爱放下，而特别是当问题牵涉到自己的信心时，更是难以收拾。这跟我刚才提到的开心与伤心只是个选择的论点就有了矛盾。那么矛盾在哪儿呢？矛盾在于本身知道必须转念，不要再拿着“包袱”不放，可是却放不下，从中也可以看得出自己还有很多很多的修行和实践必须作。

                最后如果你问我关于这4天3夜的感想呢，我只能说真的如过山车一样，有起有落。当然，从中看到自己可以因为一些小事而失去自己，对自己的肯定还不够，看到自己还是可以很容易被事物的发生而影响。因此也很感恩因为这次体验，让我更认清自己，知道自己必须再对于自我肯定中再加油，也同时在转念中学习不执着于当下的“包袱”，好好认清状况而作出改变，而不是反应。张彦航，you are and will always be as awesome as ever。祝福自己，也祝福一切成全我学习的因缘。加油。 :)