Tiredness

Lately I can feel myself running out of battery, as if all the energy in me has been drained out. Other than feeling tired of doing my usual busy stuffs (study, assignment, reports and camp stuffs), I can feel myself sometimes feeling irritated and get angry easier, always with negative emotions.

So what caused me to have such issue?

I guess I've been putting myself in too much things, especially in planning events and activities. This results in me forgetting to be aware of my body and thoughts. Maybe I have been overdoing, forgetting that myself as an individual who needed to be attend and taken care of.

Maybe is also the people problems I encountered during my previous event (爱早), that causes me to spill a lot of negative emotions/thoughts. This is due to the people and the habits they have that made me feel uncomfortable and even "BO SONG". Haha.

However, coming back to myself, I guess this is a homework that I should solve. All this while, perhaps my mind and body is telling me to take plenty of rest and have a lot of "Me-time" to recharge my life-battery.

But seriously, I can feel that lately I have ran out of LOVE energy. What used to be a habit of mine to give encouragement to others and also be happy for others, now seem like something I couldn't find in me any more. It might be because of the tiredness and also the anger, dissatisfaction that are stirring inside me, but one thing is for sure is, I need to give myself a lot more LOVE than ever.
Hopefully I can always be aware of my thoughts and discover more about the reason behind this dissatisfaction.

So, right now, I have to continue observe these emotions and thoughts. Accept more of myself, accept my current condition and embrace it.

So these are the things i wish to say to myself:

Lloyd,
You did well recently, but don't forget you are a man, not a superhuman. You need space and time to relax too. Be with yourself more when you have the time, and love yourself. Remember, a string that is too tight will eventually break! Ai ni yo~~ :D

Career Talk之心得报告

Okay, so I thought about Yew Vee's idea of having a session where we can all sit down and share anything we had learnt in every event we participated or organized (especially organized), whether its from a technical point of view or emotional point of view. It can be anything. And I thought this idea is definitely good, because it brings out a lot of positive energy and at the same time, we can be truthful not only to ourselves, but to others. So instead of having a session (which most of us probably won't have the time), I decided to put it down in words instead.

To be honest, about this career talk, I admit that I haven't been doing a really good job in up-keeping throughout this time. I know this weakness of mine, which is I get bored of following-through something and lose focus easily. Most people shall say this as 三分钟热度. I lose interested in things which needs attention and upkeep throughout time, in this case, is needing to follow-through WhatApps every time. And throughout the time, I will try as best as possible to escape this, sometimes having the mindset of: "If I can avoid it, I will avoid it until I can't". And until the day before the event, where all the last minute magic happens, I get frustrated easily, because of all the workload I delayed until the very end of time suddenly weighed down on me so heavily.

And in the process, I had troubled the people around me, and might even hurt them. I hereby say I'm sorry to those that I had hurt. Sorry to Szeching for being scolded with no valid reason. From Szeching and Quian Wei, I learnt to really put faith on people, especially to those who are close to me. Forgive me that I hadn't believe you two so much, as this is my first time not really having to brief you guys face to face about how the whole event runs, I got anxious, not knowing whether you two were truly aware of the whole flow. And also maybe I'm just to used to handle all the things by my own, maybe I stand alone for too long that I forgot how to trust people again. But in fact, you guys really did a splendid job as emcees, especially Szeching, you really improved a lot. Thank you and sorry.

And to Karwye, who was almost totally blurred throughout the planning period, sorry that I didn't explain much about the details to you. Sometimes I really caught up with a lot of things that I forgot to tell you the updates and also a lot of things I always assumed that you should know. And in the very last minute, you were forced to accompany me doing those last minute work. Thank you for tolerating my attitude and bad habits. I will change for the better.

And as for Yuhang and YewVee, haha... for the pre-U session, honestly, although I didn't manage to sit throughout the whole sharing, but I know you guys did an AWESOME job. Seems like I found people who are really reliable to be my vice-chairpersons. Seriously, really lucky to have you two.

Of course, not to forget the remaining exco who came, Qian Shi. Thank you for helping out even though you can be at home relaxing that time. Some more forced by me to sit for sharings that you were not interested in. Haha!

So to sum this up, from this event, I learnt to trust people more, and if we were to improve SYN for the better, the first step I must take is to run the whole body as a TEAM, not by an individual. I have to remind myself I'm not a lone wolf any more as I have you guys. And through believing people and giving people the parts they need to unlock their potentials and learning growth, that's when we all feel as if we are truly a TEAM. Thank you to all who fulfilled my learning today! Truly grateful to have you guys! Love you guys! SYN add oil!!! Muacks~ <3 XD

Wake Up, Lloyd!

Because of addiction,

Kept postponing my work, my studies...
All the responsibilities that were and still entitled to me...
I delayed ALL of them...
Simply because I DON'T WANT to face them...
All because of my laziness, my greediness over indulging a lay-backed lifestyle...
And the only solution I came up with is to ESCAPE.
ESCAPE through gaming, youtubing, facebooking...
All of these under a simple word called PROCRASTINATION...

And what happen's when I'm forced to face them?
By the time that I face, it's usually at the very last minute...
And all my negativity spurred up like a jet engine...
Spreading, contaminating to those who I cherish and love...
In the end, I will be ending up getting remorseful and regretful for
all the bad actions I made,
all the harmful things I said.
all to the people I hold dearly...

And previously I lied to myself that I'm just have a time to relax myself...
But now I know relax comes in various forms,
but certainly, putting myself indulging into gaming isn't the way to go...
If it was back then when I'm still doing things as a lone wolf, I don't mind too much of getting myself procrastinated...
However, right now I have a team behind me, a family and friends willing to back me up whenever I fall...
How can I waste such time indulging in something that would just give me momentarily satisfactory?

What about living?
What about the dreams?
What about the places YOU wanted to explore? All the adventures you wanted to unravel?
What happened to ALL of them?

Did it all got buried while YOU'RE playing your precious DOTA? Or wasting time doing things that doesn't even bring any sense?

Time is wasting, Lloyd. And you know that. YOU know it clearly in your heart...

Just that, YOU kept forgetting... You are always... asleep...

But now is the time to CHANGE. Now that I'm AWARE. I promise myself I will always be AWARE...
Always be mindful of my thoughts...
Always remember what my heart really wants...
Not in momentarily happiness...
but to achieve HAPPINESS LIVIN'...

I, Lloyd Teoh promised myself right now, to always be MINDFUL of my thoughts, and always remember my goals and not to fall nor stray from my path, If I ever do so, may I have the strength to forgive myself, and keep reminding myself to push hard. to break through.

May my mind always be in the RIGHT THOUGHTS and CONSCIOUSNESS.
May the triple gems forever always be in my heart.

Lloyd, You can do it, I know you can.

Peace out.

P/s: 记得不要再活出死人的生活了！加油！

第12届滨海佛学会学长团培训营 总心得报告

呵呵，4天3夜的营其实已经过了3天，而今天的我才要开始写心得报告，哈哈哈。

在这培训营里，我学到的部分有如以下：


团队的动力：

在这环节中我再次深深感受到团队和善友的重要性。在“我死了”的游戏中让我看见了一个好的团队是非常在乎每一位成员的，因为了解到每一位都很重要，所以一个都不能少。当游戏进行得越快越紧张时，大家不知觉的因为想护持彼此而慢慢形成一个密切的圆形，这样一来一旦有人要倒下来时，就能更肯定的护持他。在人生挫折中也一样，我们不必害怕跌倒，敢敢尝试；就算跌倒了，只愿你心中有缘之家，家人会永远在你身旁拉你一把。这就是善友的力量。

熊妈妈的课：佛陀的一生与生命价值

在6道轮回游戏中，让我在当下真的体验到那份无奈感。但自己也清楚知道这份无奈感比起真的轮回，我想只不过是占它的小小部分。也看到说人是善忘的，偶尔虽然体验到这份小无奈后清醒了，但因为种种诱惑，过度欲乐，常常陷回昏沉状态，忘了最初的修行。要是人们都能真正体会到轮回的苦，应该没有人会想继续欲乐，活在无明中吧？因此，我们应该时常忆念三宝，要时常和法、善缘在一起，因为知道一个人的力量是有限的，所以要接纳善缘的力量一起精进。此外，老师也把之前的课再次在这新一年的来临中重心给我们“复习”，再次提醒我们挫折与挫折感的差别，有什么是我们可以改的，什么是我们可以做的。这让我想起在前阵子，私立全营学到的“让因是因，让缘是缘”。最后，非常感恩老师在最后环节中送我们的最后一个礼物。


姚文彬老师的课：人的殊胜

在这课堂里，能感受到姚老师的用心，也觉得姚老师厉害的地方是他能够把佛法说得很具体且生活化。喜欢他如何从科学和心理学角度说明佛法，让我感觉到佛法真的是无所不在。还没上他课前，所认识的人的三大殊胜以为只不过是是说明人的特色这样的facts罢了。但上他课后，他让我了解原来那3大殊胜是怎么一起连贯的。同时，也让我看见信愿的重要性。也更加了解了怎么通过培养善心与慈爱心升起无我的智慧。他让我看见服务的重要性，服务中我们受益的又是什么。


Love Life，体验人生：

在第二天的准备，老师播放出Dora的影片，提醒了我生命的无常可贵。Dora虽然是个癌症病患者，可是她却比我们任何普通人坚强许多，她的生命也比我们任何人活得更有价值。看到这里时，其实内心是非常惭愧的，因为人家虽是病患者，却活出了比正常的我们更加健康的生命，而我们却能够为了一点小挫折而闷闷不乐，为了一些看似很重要却实际上不是的东西而在意。从Dora身上学到了要用心生活在每个当下，珍惜一切现在拥有的，特别是亲人和朋友，因为这才是重要的。


其他：
在这4天3夜中，身为senior的我，回来滨海做辅导员看到了我许多可以进步的地方。其中也发觉到从2015年的分手后，发现自己好像变得太“踏实”了，总是很多东西顾虑很多，一味想：“怎么样才是最佳的方法？怎么样才不会去伤害别人？”这样的一直想反而常常使自己对于原本的目标/方向更加的模糊和不稳，最后也只能站在原点。但实际上，或许生命就没有所谓“最佳”吧？不管好或不好，它只不过是生命的过程，每个当下的促成是个学习的机会。也在老师的身上学习到要时时看清目标与方向，清清楚楚知道自己的每个举动是为了什么，特别是在人际关系上，只要念头是善的，就不用害怕说出来或让对方知道，因为相信他也是能够感受这份善在成就你我的学习。老师们的稳重是我其中想学习的地方之一。除此之外，也发觉自己的辅导与观察人的技巧上有待加强，这部分希望以后有机会 还可以继续学习。


最后，感恩一切的因缘成就了我这次的学习。感恩老师、筹委们的用心，也感恩熊爸爸熊妈妈、姚老师和陈老师的课。

愿 自己时时刻刻保持清醒，敢敢做出选择，敢敢生活。
愿 大家健康快乐 一起学习


彦航
心法 合十

第一届私立全营《找回自己》总心得报告

终于，营也来到了尾声。在这5天4夜的营中，说真的，学习了很多。除了在课堂上领悟了许多，使到更深一层的认识佛法的些内容与名相外，当然在身心上也体会了，清楚看见了自己多一点点。

在第2天的课堂中，师父就问了人生的几个关键问题，“你是谁？”，“来到了人间一趟是为了什么？”。每一次被问起类似的问题时，发现自己还是必须思考的，不能直接给个确实的答案，这证明自己还是不清楚的，所以必须时时刻刻做心里的checking。在思考多久后，心忆起了前一阵子的答案，就是：“我想要像太阳一样，用阳光照亮与温暖身边的人，以佛法的力量影响生命，再来慢慢生命影响生命，把许多欢乐和正能量带给大家。” 因此，也在这营中想把这温暖带给大家，至少带给自己的小组也已经够了。但后来才发现大家（刚开始）挺冷漠的，也或许是自己的心情是属于较“开心” 的状态，反而大家之间的冰未破解，所以难免会有着防备心。也因为这样的不习惯，我反而被大家的冰冷给影响了，更重要的是，我被自己的expectation影响了。当reality没遇上expectation时，召来的可就是失望感。老实说，这使我挺退心的，尤其在小组讨论时自己被冷漠忽视。面对这份无奈感是我在这营中学到的最大功课，因为它是那么的真实。

当退心时，好玩的地方就来了，自己有机会察觉自己的心是如何变化的。而在这情况里，我心回到了那缺乏信心、想太多、慢热的模式。发觉自己在过程中会一直思考：“这个该不该说？说了后会不会又被伤到再次退心？” 也发觉因为处于这样的心情，反而升起了另种心态 —— 妒忌和傲慢心。这心态足使我容易对于一个人的言行举止产生反感和批判。心中会一直想类似如：“他这样做了不起咩？我也能做到。”，“为什么他这样做得了那么多人的鼓掌？难道大家没看到他这样做其实是不大正确的吗？”。其实回到来，这些心情的升起只不过是再告诉自己，自己想要被认可，最重要想要被爱。这自卑且傲慢的心情只不过是个“闹钟”提醒自己自己的内心的状况。

过程中，能够发觉自己内心的变动，说真的，就像师父说的，非常好玩，哈哈。好玩在于能够诚实面对自己，能够看到自己是那么多不足和烦恼的。当然重点还是回到发觉后的学习，学习如何更加精进、净化自己。

也在过程中，体验后，就会告诉自己：现在看到了，感受了，体验了，就该抽离这份负面情绪了。因为自己清楚知道自己要的张彦航不是这样的。因此，该学习放下。

虽然现在暂时还不能完全解决这心的问题（因为我知道要是问题再来，我还是会再次被弄倒）。但至少现在的我知道这与角色的了解与肯定有关。当清楚知道自己的角色时，就知道自己什么事情该管，什么事情不该管；什么东西该说，什么东西不该说。这也是佛教徒应保持的一种心态。也当完全清楚后，就不用害怕被伤害或是伤害人。这样就知道什么是自己该承担的，什么不是。常常因为太在乎的我，会常怀疑自己这么样子说/做，他人会okay吗？我这样做他们不会受伤吧？

就是这些“想太多",也过度注重别人感受（或别人对我的感受）使自己退缩。其实事情发生只不过是个过程，无需想太多。每个人都该为自己的情绪负责任，没有一个人该为他人的心情做负责。保持清醒，清楚了解自己的角色，不要与别人的混乱，该说的说，该做的做。举个例子，若是平时普通话自己没说错什么，但别人介意了，那就让别人对自己的烦恼负责，不要当作自己的来虐待自己。要对自己有信心与肯定，还有当然，要时时爱自己！哈哈。

来到营的最后一天，才明白要像太阳也要有智慧。一个阳光炽烈的太阳感召来的是众生的反感。但一个懂得随顺境况而给予适当的阳光的太阳反而感召大家的喜爱与开心。

最后，为自己的学习感到开心，祝福自己能有满满心力来面对人生。
愿 自己时常忆起三宝，以佛法为导航面对挫折。
愿 自己能够以智慧与慈悲面对人生。

感恩

心法 合十

笑忘歌

今天，在一个很美丽又奇妙的因缘下，我认识了这首歌由五月天唱的《笑忘歌》。在回家路途中，因为电话的酷我有了些版权问题，所以就下载了另外个音乐apps，也因为心血来潮，就听听了五月天小巨蛋DNA演唱会的歌，其中一首就是这首。

当在火车上听到这首歌时，我全身直接被歌的词，旋律和曲子给动心了，身体都鸡皮疙塔了起来。心中有种莫名的感动。或许是因为当下的心情和频率是与这首歌非常的in tune。

后来回到家重新听这首歌时，果然歌词是非常有意思的。是一首非常非常棒的歌。

这首歌告诉了我，再大再看似辛苦的问题，都还是会这样过去的，也提醒了我更重要的是，千万不要把每一天的微笑，每一天的开心当作理所当然。去用心感恩每一天所赐给我们的一切好与不好，也常常感恩、感谢自己能够允许自己快乐，因为您是值得拥有的。

彦航在这祝福自己，也祝福大家。 :)

笑忘歌

作詞：阿信
作曲：怪獸

屋頂的天空是我們的 放學後夕陽也都會是我們的
不會再讓步更多了
唱一首屬於我們的歌 讓我們的傷都慢慢慢的癒合
明天我又會是全新的 OH ~

青春是手牽手坐上了 永不回頭的火車
總有一天我們都老了 不會遺憾就OK了

傷心的 都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈 從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你 都約好了 要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢


自己和自己打一架了 想通想不通反正就是這樣了
不會再流淚更多了
有多少錯誤重蹈覆轍 有多少苦痛還不是都過來了
更多更詳盡歌詞 在 ※ Mojim.com　魔鏡歌詞網 
想起來甚至還會笑呢 OH ~

青春是人生的實驗課 錯也錯的很值得
就算某天唱起這首歌 眼眶會有一點濕熱

傷心的 都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈 從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你 都約好了 要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢


傷心的 都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈 從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你 都約好了 要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢
這一生志願只要平凡快樂 誰說這樣不偉大呢

誰說這樣不偉大呢

LIFE Update

Okay~ So here's a quick update of what's happening in my life recently...

So, as you guys already know, this sem is the second semester of my year 2, which is my short semester. And this week will be my last week of lecture, which is... WEEEKKK 7!!! And for Utarians, this means finals will be starting next week! Time sure flies fast huh?

SOOO... have I prepare for my finals? Well.. not really, progress is still slow though, lots of stuffs need to prepare if I really wanna score well this time. Plus actually tomorrow I will be having my midterm.. I know, midterm at the end of the sem, ironic right? Haha.. anyway I take it as a chance for me to study and cover those I haven't cover yet.

Recently, I had much fun, much laughter and my schedule is supeeerrr packed! How packed?

Well, for studies, its like almost every week I have reports and assignments to submit and midterms to face.

For curriculum (where the real fun is, heh), its like almost every weekend I have activities/events to attend, such as Fun Meditation Camp, A Song For You, Trekathon, 大马好, Hymn Sharing, Xiong Mama's Talk, Big Bad Wolf and of course not to mention, the most recent event - Slide The freaking-awesome-wait-for-it CITYYY!!

Honestly, in this semester, there are times where I got emo and times where I'm just too busy enjoying the present moment, And I noticed, the times where I got depressed and wasted in useless thoughts are getting lesser and lesser, which I take it as a really good sign. Finally, I think its safe to say that my fist is slowly open... or should I say: 开始不疼不痛不痒了... Looking back, I really felt that I don't deserve to be treated that way. And now I can truly say I don't need her to be happy. Because me, and only me myself can be the source of happiness. Same goes for everyone.
No one should be their source of happiness, because if you do, you will be living a very tiring and sad life. Maybe that's the danger of falling too deep in love?

Anyway, that's all I wanna say for now. I'm already getting my feet up and standing proud as:
THE ONE AND ONLY FREAKING AWESOME LEGENDARY LLOYD TEOH. Those who are still drifting in the past or in depression or maybe just started to stand up, let us live life the fullest, shall we? :)