Loneliness

I noticed that at some point in life, when you're walking this learning path too long, there will be this sense of "loneliness" that comes in your way. And when there's this special someone who managed to knocked onto your heart's doorstep, loneliness will try and trick you on thinking:"SHE IS THE ONE!"

The one for what? The one that solves all your problems! She will be the one that fills that loneliness inside you; she will be one you need whenever you're sad, angry, disappointed and etc. Upon meeting her, you will solve your heart's problem and you two will live happily ever after! Well, that is at least what the society wants us to think, right? In today's world, when most of our desires are fulfilled by external materials, we are always on the look out for that special "someone". We will always trick ourselves by believing that if we have that particular "someone", my problems will all be solved. But is that true?

The heart is always on the look out to find "someone" to accept, understand and even love us. But the question is, do we even understand ourselves?

See, in some point in life, we feel tired. Tired (or for some people is feeling fearful) because we have to face and solve our problems. The time and energy that takes to do this is taxing and at some point we just couldn't continue. And if there's just "someone" that could just solve our problems for us, wouldn't it be nice? I gotta admit, it is wonderful. However, that's not how life works. In life, problems are the issues that we have to go through in order to grow, to be better, and more importantly, to be happy. And even that means to do it ALONE. Yep, facing life problems is something we have to do by ourselves, only us have the choice and power to change it. And perhaps that "someone" like your lover, friends or families can't solve it for you, but at least, you will know that they are always there for you, to encourage, to accompany you along the way.

心呢？

为什么？

为什么就是对于生活麻木？没感觉了？是真的麻木吗？还是不想面对？

为什么对于学业完全没有想奋斗的感觉？难道 是“腻”吗？

为什么？

为什么 就是提不起心来？自己到底 要的是 什么？

难道自己不怕吗？怕。但 就是没心做。这又是为什么？

许多的“为什么” 都需要 个 答案。

难道 是我想多？难道 现在面对的、察觉的，都是假的？

为什么会这样？曾经心中那把火焰，

【想要证明给世界，给自己，证明自己是可以的】 的 那颗心在  哪  ？

跑了？飞了？失踪了？心、到底在哪？

每一天，

明知道 不应该 堕落下去，

明知道 这是不对的，

明知道 应该怎么做。。。

许多 的 “明知道” 但 “行动” 呢？

依旧在原点 的 我。

心。真的是颗脆弱的东西。

看到了。明白了。知道了。但 心没了，能怎样？

听见内心的自己在叮咛、劝告，说不想继续这样了。。。但。。。始终 那声音 还是依然 只是 声音。。。

想呐喊，想寻找 这颗心、这个“自己”，但 哪儿 找？ 哪儿 开始？

心，请问你在哪？

Wake Up, Lloyd!

Because of addiction,

Kept postponing my work, my studies...
All the responsibilities that were and still entitled to me...
I delayed ALL of them...
Simply because I DON'T WANT to face them...
All because of my laziness, my greediness over indulging a lay-backed lifestyle...
And the only solution I came up with is to ESCAPE.
ESCAPE through gaming, youtubing, facebooking...
All of these under a simple word called PROCRASTINATION...

And what happen's when I'm forced to face them?
By the time that I face, it's usually at the very last minute...
And all my negativity spurred up like a jet engine...
Spreading, contaminating to those who I cherish and love...
In the end, I will be ending up getting remorseful and regretful for
all the bad actions I made,
all the harmful things I said.
all to the people I hold dearly...

And previously I lied to myself that I'm just have a time to relax myself...
But now I know relax comes in various forms,
but certainly, putting myself indulging into gaming isn't the way to go...
If it was back then when I'm still doing things as a lone wolf, I don't mind too much of getting myself procrastinated...
However, right now I have a team behind me, a family and friends willing to back me up whenever I fall...
How can I waste such time indulging in something that would just give me momentarily satisfactory?

What about living?
What about the dreams?
What about the places YOU wanted to explore? All the adventures you wanted to unravel?
What happened to ALL of them?

Did it all got buried while YOU'RE playing your precious DOTA? Or wasting time doing things that doesn't even bring any sense?

Time is wasting, Lloyd. And you know that. YOU know it clearly in your heart...

Just that, YOU kept forgetting... You are always... asleep...

But now is the time to CHANGE. Now that I'm AWARE. I promise myself I will always be AWARE...
Always be mindful of my thoughts...
Always remember what my heart really wants...
Not in momentarily happiness...
but to achieve HAPPINESS LIVIN'...

I, Lloyd Teoh promised myself right now, to always be MINDFUL of my thoughts, and always remember my goals and not to fall nor stray from my path, If I ever do so, may I have the strength to forgive myself, and keep reminding myself to push hard. to break through.

May my mind always be in the RIGHT THOUGHTS and CONSCIOUSNESS.
May the triple gems forever always be in my heart.

Lloyd, You can do it, I know you can.

Peace out.

P/s: 记得不要再活出死人的生活了！加油！

突然好想你。

Short Sem来了，果然过得很充实。SYN, Assignment, Report, midterm, 佛学活动，交际活动，一切都让这sem添上了不少的色彩。但，你相信吗？过了那么久了，我还是依然放不下。

朋友家人都以为我没事了，因为在他们面前我学会挂上了微笑的脸庞，学会了坚强。换上个新发型，学会多打扮，让人家都觉得我，真的不一样了。但，在心里，有多少的不一样呢？

过了6个月多了，心里还是依然在想她。几乎每个早晨的冲凉房里，胡思乱想的就是与她不再一起走下去的日子。“为什么会发生这种事？”这问题，依然在自己的脑海中浮现。与她的一切一切回忆，开心与难过的回忆都如总不迟到的信鸽每天准时报到。

虽然6个月了，嘴上不再挂着她的事，但心里依然还不放。不是没事了，而是学会坚强，学会带着影子过每一天，每当信鸽来了，心情沉重了。心里也很不要脸的去想你是否也和我一样？都过得那么不开心？还是，其实你早已经放下了了许多血多，甚至完全没有我们的回忆，不管开心与不开心的回忆，已经没有任何牵挂。

偶尔的不甘心，不知足。也偶尔的纯傻。怎么傻？傻在心里有多莫地不甘心，却常常洗脑告诉自己，“她，快乐就好。”

常常告诉自己，若现在的她，真的很快乐，真的不需要我，那么我就从她生命中消失吧。只为了，不再给她更多的烦恼。

“若当初”这三个字根本就是不实用的东西，多想也没有用，但还是会去想。想：“为什么？”

她，是我选择的。所以，一切的发生，的确是自己必须承担面对的。一切的爱错，就告诉自己是自己的学习吧。她要的从来更本不是这样的爱。我，爱错了，也爱太深了。

充实归充实，但充实到不再认得自己，有何处呢？

祝 你依然一切顺利，过得开开心心

愿 生命指引我，导向更好的明天