私立2总心得报告 —— 外护篇

(｡･∀･)ﾉﾞ嗨~！呵呵，我这里也应该很久没更新部落了。在这新的一年里，私立2也刚过了，是时候整理自己的心得。

这次参加私立的因缘不一样哟~ 不是以学员的身份，而是*噔噔噔噔* 外护~！说实在的，之前没有好好体会过真的不知道外护多辛苦多伟大！这次终于尝试了，从中也学了不少。

由于必须兼职24hr metta Samadhi Youth的代表之一，只能在24hr metta结束后直接坐巴士下到普照寺去。抵达时也已经是营进行的第3天了。虽然如此，但依然受益许多。

承担外护这责任，基本上就是帮助aunty准备膳食，确保营员3餐温饱也保持斋堂的整洁。由于所有的膳食都是Aunty负责，而这位aunty菩萨年龄也已有70了，行动有点不便，因此我们的角色是协助aunty做菜。总的来说，她就是Commander in Chief，负责指挥，而我们是她的soldiers。在这里也事先说明，我可是几乎没进厨房的人（有也是找吃的），一直一来我都对于准备吃的比较随便，若是我一个人为自己做菜，一定是随随便便解决它。但这次可是为营员师父们准备的，所以绝对不能潦草。进入厨房的我，对于烹饪切菜一窍不通，做任何事时不是问旁边的外护就是有样学样，刚开始时还真的有点害羞尴尬，但也慢慢习惯，学习了不同的切菜方式。之后在营的最后一天，也因为另一位负责帮aunty炒菜的外护金盛师兄有点儿不舒服，aunty就“使唤”我代替他。炒菜过程，aunty很严格，强调手脚要快，不能摸。因此，给我这对于烹饪0经验的人有点儿措手不及，但也同时提起了我认真的心态，当下用心投入炒菜。发现到能够投入用心地做一件事情时，心情是开心的，有着深深的满足感。最近的我，都在颓废状态中，很难提起心里认真于当下，很多事情都是随随便便，常常心不在焉，但这次真的很感恩aunty再次让我看到用心的美。

Aunty虽然只不过是个外护之一，但从不看小自己的重要性，听外护长说aunty每一天早上都比任何人更早起身。每当外护长准时进厨房时就已经看到aunty在那里下厨很久了，也听说aunty在营的第二天为了炖汤，做到半夜2点才入睡，那天的她只睡了3小时多。第一天入营的我也发现到aunty当天的眼睛是非常红的。从中，可以看见aunty是多么的无私，多么地想为这批学佛的孩子出点力。Aunty也说过类似这番话：“到时等你们这些未来佛来度化aunty啊~” 想说的是，也不知道是谁在度化谁呢，想到这里都觉得非常感动。另外，在大出坡时，aunty也很幽默且很有智慧的跟我们说，打扫拖地时可以唱观音菩萨或是释迦摩尼佛，这样自己也会越做越开心，越做越欢喜。她还活泼地唱了一首给我们听，在唱地时候身体也随着拖地的动作摇摆，增添了当下的气氛。

在无尽灯的环节里，也听到许多营员的分享，其中两位姐妹的分享让我特别欣赏。在他们分享中，让我体会到他们是多么用心在学佛，珍惜着每次闻法的机会，也从中不断以法解决生命中的问题，如何把法带回家、运用在家庭和谐上。感恩他们让我看到法的感动和可贵。

离营前，我也在佛陀面前告假。当下以为自己在这3天中得到的感动也只不过如此，没什么好依旧的，但其实心里在敝着。在拜忏下去时，我哭了。越哭越停不下来，眼泪不断流下。原因简单，在这3天中体会到aunty的用心，也看到她那无私的爱，最后也因为无法留下帮她准备晚餐、与她共享最后的晚餐，心中有着莫名的不舍、心疼甚至忏愧。心疼的是看到aunty这样不断用心付出，她那无我的精神，就算身体老了，还是继续这样不屈地为佛教奉献；忏愧的是看到aunty到了这年龄还精进学佛、用心体会人生，而我明明有手有脚，健健康康地，这阵子却像个废人一样，窝在家里，把自己与世界、与自己的心隔绝。。。我还以自己心累，对于人事物渐渐失去感觉 当作 所谓“借口”，但在学佛另个角落有位70岁的老aunty在为佛教界，社会，甚至未来做出庞大庞大的改变，虽然她不是什么著名的伟人，更不是什么政治家，但单凭着她那份慈爱心、用心，我想，应该影响了许多人的心，再次重新把心打开。她所做的庞大改变是以她的身口意让人重新见到光明，让我重新感受爱的感觉。虽然只有3天的时间，但在这3天内，aunty已经足以让我深深被打动，在我心中留下了一个非常特别的位子。

在佛陀前，我拜忏，忏悔我所做的一切，忏悔自己不够精进；也在同时，发了一个愿：

一定 一定 一定  要一直在学佛路上一同与善友善知识的陪同下不断精进向上向善。

这样才对得起aunty；对得起父母；对得起所有成就了今天的我的恩人。

最后也因为这样，我想在这2017年，别再等了，别再睡了。还有许多的法在等着我去学习。
池塘的水在一天一天的减少，鱼儿怎还能快乐地游水？

你，还在等什么？

愿

在这新的一年里 能够以3宝为方向，学习佛陀的慈悲智慧，精进学习，快乐成长。


心法 合十

我和那位漂亮的菩萨。
离开前，还求个抱、拍个相，也告诉了aunty要好好照顾自己的身心。但之后心中非常遗憾因为没有把心里真正要说的话说出来。当下其实想告诉让她我是多么感恩感激她的，想要让她看到因为她我心中重新温暖了起来，想要不只是“告诉”她要照顾身体而已，而是不断地强调她要照顾自己，就算是她突然嫌我啰嗦我都要拼命说，想要让她知道我是多么心疼她的，想要她知道虽然只有3天的时间，但我是被爱的，想要说的是很多很多的 谢谢 和 很多很多的 我爱你 的。师父说，只要一直在学佛路上，我们每个人都会有缘再见，希望我有天能够再次见到Aunty您。

Love

Hmm... seems like it has been a long time since I blogged.

So what brings me to blog in this lovely and serene evening? Well, its because of this feeling I just experienced and I wanted to jot it down so that I can remind my future-self to be this way whenever and wherever I can.

Tonight's post will be again, about her. Hahaha, but this will not be one of those "emo" posts, trust me  :)

Just seen her photo in Facebook about half an hour ago, and as I see her face closely and attentively for the first time in some time, I noticed something. Other than her smile being just as beautiful as always, there was something more to it - she's happy. From that photo itself, I can see that she was truly enjoying herself and being happy as how she can be right now.

And in that very moment, in my heart, there's not one sense of hatred, anger, sadness or any other negativity you can think of. What was in my mind during that time was: "Wow, you are smiling so beautifully and you do seem like you are happy." At that very moment itself, I knew I had let go of the past (or at least the sad stuffs that happened and how we hurt each other). And then my thought was simply this:

"I am my own happiness, and I don't need to depend on anyone to achieve that happiness, and same goes to you. I don't care if you are being with another person right now or still being single. I just wish the best for you, I hope you are happy, I hope you are safe. And I don't need you for me to be happy. But I'm happy for you because
I love you."

So, I guess this is something what Xiong Mama and Xiong Papa trying to preach us - Metta, which is unconditional love. And surely, it feels GREAT. And of course, I have to admit lately when thinking of her, its not about the pain any more, but about how we were happy and how it's a pity right now that we are not able to be together. So this time, maybe you can say, its another type of unwillingness to let go. However, I think what's best for now is to not dwell in the past, whether is a sad past or happy ones and start living in the "now".

To whoever reading this or whether it is the people I know or don't know,
YOU ARE AND WILL ALWAYS BE AWESOME! (Including myself, haha)

May you be well and happy. :)
PEACE OUT & Love you berry much <3 

(Oh! And not to forget, Finals Hwaiting~!)

Photo Credits to Jason Mraz's "Love is a Four Letter Word" Album Cover

第一届私立全营《找回自己》总心得报告

终于，营也来到了尾声。在这5天4夜的营中，说真的，学习了很多。除了在课堂上领悟了许多，使到更深一层的认识佛法的些内容与名相外，当然在身心上也体会了，清楚看见了自己多一点点。

在第2天的课堂中，师父就问了人生的几个关键问题，“你是谁？”，“来到了人间一趟是为了什么？”。每一次被问起类似的问题时，发现自己还是必须思考的，不能直接给个确实的答案，这证明自己还是不清楚的，所以必须时时刻刻做心里的checking。在思考多久后，心忆起了前一阵子的答案，就是：“我想要像太阳一样，用阳光照亮与温暖身边的人，以佛法的力量影响生命，再来慢慢生命影响生命，把许多欢乐和正能量带给大家。” 因此，也在这营中想把这温暖带给大家，至少带给自己的小组也已经够了。但后来才发现大家（刚开始）挺冷漠的，也或许是自己的心情是属于较“开心” 的状态，反而大家之间的冰未破解，所以难免会有着防备心。也因为这样的不习惯，我反而被大家的冰冷给影响了，更重要的是，我被自己的expectation影响了。当reality没遇上expectation时，召来的可就是失望感。老实说，这使我挺退心的，尤其在小组讨论时自己被冷漠忽视。面对这份无奈感是我在这营中学到的最大功课，因为它是那么的真实。

当退心时，好玩的地方就来了，自己有机会察觉自己的心是如何变化的。而在这情况里，我心回到了那缺乏信心、想太多、慢热的模式。发觉自己在过程中会一直思考：“这个该不该说？说了后会不会又被伤到再次退心？” 也发觉因为处于这样的心情，反而升起了另种心态 —— 妒忌和傲慢心。这心态足使我容易对于一个人的言行举止产生反感和批判。心中会一直想类似如：“他这样做了不起咩？我也能做到。”，“为什么他这样做得了那么多人的鼓掌？难道大家没看到他这样做其实是不大正确的吗？”。其实回到来，这些心情的升起只不过是再告诉自己，自己想要被认可，最重要想要被爱。这自卑且傲慢的心情只不过是个“闹钟”提醒自己自己的内心的状况。

过程中，能够发觉自己内心的变动，说真的，就像师父说的，非常好玩，哈哈。好玩在于能够诚实面对自己，能够看到自己是那么多不足和烦恼的。当然重点还是回到发觉后的学习，学习如何更加精进、净化自己。

也在过程中，体验后，就会告诉自己：现在看到了，感受了，体验了，就该抽离这份负面情绪了。因为自己清楚知道自己要的张彦航不是这样的。因此，该学习放下。

虽然现在暂时还不能完全解决这心的问题（因为我知道要是问题再来，我还是会再次被弄倒）。但至少现在的我知道这与角色的了解与肯定有关。当清楚知道自己的角色时，就知道自己什么事情该管，什么事情不该管；什么东西该说，什么东西不该说。这也是佛教徒应保持的一种心态。也当完全清楚后，就不用害怕被伤害或是伤害人。这样就知道什么是自己该承担的，什么不是。常常因为太在乎的我，会常怀疑自己这么样子说/做，他人会okay吗？我这样做他们不会受伤吧？

就是这些“想太多",也过度注重别人感受（或别人对我的感受）使自己退缩。其实事情发生只不过是个过程，无需想太多。每个人都该为自己的情绪负责任，没有一个人该为他人的心情做负责。保持清醒，清楚了解自己的角色，不要与别人的混乱，该说的说，该做的做。举个例子，若是平时普通话自己没说错什么，但别人介意了，那就让别人对自己的烦恼负责，不要当作自己的来虐待自己。要对自己有信心与肯定，还有当然，要时时爱自己！哈哈。

来到营的最后一天，才明白要像太阳也要有智慧。一个阳光炽烈的太阳感召来的是众生的反感。但一个懂得随顺境况而给予适当的阳光的太阳反而感召大家的喜爱与开心。

最后，为自己的学习感到开心，祝福自己能有满满心力来面对人生。
愿 自己时常忆起三宝，以佛法为导航面对挫折。
愿 自己能够以智慧与慈悲面对人生。

感恩

心法 合十

未完成的功课

现在的我，彻底明白当时她的心情了。为什么当初的她会就这样离开了。

感恩这位重要的人，让我看见自己的学习。

当人与人之间发生摸擦，发生争执时，原因并不是我们往往想的那样——因为他人的不好。

不是因为他人这个态度，这个习性，这个举动害我们发生这样的事情。

不是因为那句：“都是因为他啦，害我们现在这样，都是他哪里哪里哪里错。” 

或许，的确，他本身有不足的地方（但有谁没有不足之处呢？）。

我想说的是，其实发生人与人之间，发生的不愉快之事，其实是个学习过程。

又是那老套的话吧？张彦航整天爱把“学习”两个字挂在嘴上。

但没错，的确是学习。

我相信，因为自己的业力，也因为他人的业力，当然加上了不同的缘，促使我们在一起（当然，我不是单说爱情，也包括亲情，友情等）。也因为我们只是人，所谓人就是依然和“烦恼”这两个字息息相关，人所带的业力，促使一切的发生，管他开心或不开心。

而在这情况下，人与人就发生争执和摸擦。但其实，这摸擦的发生，像我所说的，因为自己的业障，所以才显现。它的发生其实是因为之前过去的不足，不完美，而在这世或此刻才发生的。简单来说，就是之前我们没把功课做好，现在的我们就必须面对后果。

但就因为这样，停留在后果吗？并不是，反而我会想是个“未完成的功课” 。它其实就在提醒我们哪里做的不足，哪里是过去还没做好的功课，必须此刻下功夫，以“面对它，接受它，处理它，放下它”的心态面对。

换句话说，摸擦会发生是因为生命有一些事情想要你学习。

在这情况中，那位重要的人让我看见以前的我，以前的我是如何把自己的重心放在她身上。促使她喘不过气来，而走了。而我，今天也站在她的角度，才看见原来她是非常辛苦的。此刻的我，才深深明白自己的不足。

但，反而，奇妙的是，当我们选择面对，接受和处理后，自己的心情，其实不是负面的，真的是正面的。你会觉得开心，舒服，自在。这是因为，你真的看见了，你真的感受到了，所谓你已经不再这烦恼中轮回了。所以，一旦一个人面对，接受，处理后，依然觉得不开心。那表示本身还没在烦恼中找到自己的答案，这功课始终未完成，就这样在苦中轮回。

也因为面对，接受和处理后，最后的步骤——放下就来的容易。就像熊妈妈曾经说过，一旦我们真的做好前面那三个“它”后，最后的“它”比想象中来的容易，是完全不再有任何的感情纠结，没有任何的不舍，就简单的，放下了。

我不知道现在的我可以说出这样的东西表示我是否放下了没。或许之后再看到有让我想起她的东西，又在进入轮回，哈哈。但，我这次会提醒自己，这表示是自己“未完成的功课”，因此必须好好去观察“苦”的根源。同时呢，也要提醒自己，不去特意去想多多，纠结在为什么还没发现到“苦”何在。因为像我说的，也必须看自己的业力 和 缘，当因缘成熟，自然会显现出来，所以我们在这过程中该怎么说呢？简单，好好地做自己。

祝福 她 能够面对自己的 烦恼。

祝福 这位让我有这么 丰富学习的人 能够坚强长大。

祝福 我自己能够活在当下，把握和精进在每一个学习。

晚安。 :)

突然好想你。

Short Sem来了，果然过得很充实。SYN, Assignment, Report, midterm, 佛学活动，交际活动，一切都让这sem添上了不少的色彩。但，你相信吗？过了那么久了，我还是依然放不下。

朋友家人都以为我没事了，因为在他们面前我学会挂上了微笑的脸庞，学会了坚强。换上个新发型，学会多打扮，让人家都觉得我，真的不一样了。但，在心里，有多少的不一样呢？

过了6个月多了，心里还是依然在想她。几乎每个早晨的冲凉房里，胡思乱想的就是与她不再一起走下去的日子。“为什么会发生这种事？”这问题，依然在自己的脑海中浮现。与她的一切一切回忆，开心与难过的回忆都如总不迟到的信鸽每天准时报到。

虽然6个月了，嘴上不再挂着她的事，但心里依然还不放。不是没事了，而是学会坚强，学会带着影子过每一天，每当信鸽来了，心情沉重了。心里也很不要脸的去想你是否也和我一样？都过得那么不开心？还是，其实你早已经放下了了许多血多，甚至完全没有我们的回忆，不管开心与不开心的回忆，已经没有任何牵挂。

偶尔的不甘心，不知足。也偶尔的纯傻。怎么傻？傻在心里有多莫地不甘心，却常常洗脑告诉自己，“她，快乐就好。”

常常告诉自己，若现在的她，真的很快乐，真的不需要我，那么我就从她生命中消失吧。只为了，不再给她更多的烦恼。

“若当初”这三个字根本就是不实用的东西，多想也没有用，但还是会去想。想：“为什么？”

她，是我选择的。所以，一切的发生，的确是自己必须承担面对的。一切的爱错，就告诉自己是自己的学习吧。她要的从来更本不是这样的爱。我，爱错了，也爱太深了。

充实归充实，但充实到不再认得自己，有何处呢？

祝 你依然一切顺利，过得开开心心

愿 生命指引我，导向更好的明天

欣航恋：学习心得

结束后，我觉得 也应该做出一个整理。

整理我从这次里向她也好，向自己也好，或是向这感情都好，所学习的心得。

在这里，我学习了信任 一直是很重要的，不管在任何恋情中。因为信任，彼此才不怀疑；因为信任，才有自由，才能够真正做回自己。在任何恋情中，我们总应该学习 相信 我们的另一半，虽然负面情绪和思考总是 会给你很多很多的“绊脚石”，让你想太多，但 如果感情一直都被 爱 牵伴着，你就不用质疑，因为你对她的爱，在她心里是 绝对的。

另外，感情的持久 是靠双方的意愿。一旦其中一方不想了，那么 也没有意思继续了。但停止了，也不代表爱 结束了。在最近看的一套戏“ Book of Life"里，其中个死神La muerte，曾说："True love, that really, really good kind of love never dies." 没错，爱 是非常美好的，是感动的，是无穷的包容的，因为 爱，它角色很单纯：就是 爱 而已，没其他元素。

所以，让我收获最多最大的是，在这感情里，努力了，尽了后，若 缘分未到，那么也只能 接受，平且 放下。没错，所以 我给的最后一个 爱 是 放下。

Sometimes in life, when you care for someone or something too much, you just have to let it go. Because one thing for sure, you just want that someone to be simply, happy.

Girl, I really hope for the best for you. And really hope you can be happy as always. :)

谢谢 你以前给的美好，那些回忆都很快乐。

珍惜。爱。永别。

Our story: END

So, our story officially ended.

How did it go? Well, all the efforts I made had put into waste. The things that I wanted to show her so badly didn't manage to let her see. Simply, she refused to, can I blame her? No. It's her choice.

After the 5 minute debating, it ended with me saying a lot of "sorries". Sorry for all the mistakes that I made which led her to feeling unhappy.

However, after she went up. her friend told me the main reason why she wanted to break up with me so badly...

The reason is that. he said, whenever she needs me, I wasn't there for her. And he said it was because of distance. I didn't know that she was in a lot of pain and stress recently that she just need me to be there to comfort her. And if only she said that, I wouldn't mind rushing up here, just to be with her.

However, the question is, I can be with her 1 day or 2 days or maybe a week, but can i always be there for her? When I'm not there, she simply can't feel my presence.

I wanted to let her know how badly I wanted to be there for her, and I want her to know that my heart is always there for her. I want to let her know she is my world, and I am always wanting of having her beside me. But, sadly. she can't feel it.

Can I blame her? No. It's her choice. But for me one thing for sure is, distance never separates two people who are deeply in love with each other. And I'm going to hold on to that...

But hey, at least, I tried my best, right? No regrets. Still, I hope she will be as happy as always. And meet someone who's willing to give her as much love as she needs to. I hope she will be loved and I wish for the best for her.

I guess, now that I tried, what my next step is, letting her go, which some might say its the hardest.
Well, yea, it is the hardest, at least for me. But as the classic cliche goes "if you really love someone, you'll have to let her go." So, that's what I'm going to do now.

陈欣盈，只想让你知道，我的心里 一直一直 都有你。也会记得这么样的一个陈欣盈。

我爱你。

掰掰。 :)

Waiting.

Truth be told, I still miss her.

Its been three weeks since the broke up. Still, she treats me coldly as usual.

Last week, I made of lot of stuffs in order to prove my love for her. And I did plan to meet her after Raya on last Monday, cause I thought it might be the best time after all. To make sure I don't disturb her at her busiest moment like before, I asked her friend whether she's free during that moment. However, she somehow knew I was coming, and replied me with some harsh words.

And I admit, those harsh words did get into me. I was disappointed and also a little mad at the same time. That moment, i let my emotions control me, thinking if she really doesn't want to see me, then beat it. I will grant her what she wished for. (I even uploaded a stupid post saying goodbye)

 Few days passed, and a question still pops out from my mind: What exactly made us broke up?

From this, its seems like I haven't really let go. Seems like letting go its not easy as it seems, but the reason I can't let go its because I don't want to. I know some might say I'm stubborn, but I felt that a break up shouldn't be this rash, and yea, I still care for her. i want to her to be part of my life.

So, for now, I will still wait for her, wait until she's ready to face this problem. Like my pal JiaYuen said, we should solve this maturely like adults, and I admit these few weeks I 've been really childish in facing this issue.

If you are seeing this, maybe you might feel agitated, but no matter how, I will be waiting for you. Waiting for you to be ready.

Peace out.

The man who can't be moved - The Script:

Our Love

I don't really know how to say this, but our love is kinda unique... (But then every couple claims theirs are too haha)

I think I really understand why she wanted to break up with me.
It's been 1 week since we broke up.
And during this period of time, I have my UPs and DOWNs...
Yea, I was emotionally unstable.. most of the time i was sad...

But then just now, when I was having my midterm test, something came to me...
These few days I wasn't able to really focus on anything due to what had happened to us..
But when I was left with 30 minutes preparing for my midterm, I forced myself to focus on the present moment, and guess what? Throughout the midterm, I was able to forget the pain and totally immersed into my paper~

This really made me think that whether to be sad or happy its really a matter of choice, because after I completed my paper, I suddenly feel an ease and was steady as if nothing bad had happened. So, one does really able to move on and forget about the past if one stays focus on the present.

So, you guys might think, what does this have to do with me and her? Well, before we broke up, we have a rough month, she was very busy with her stuffs and studies, while I was left alone simply missing her dearly. And during this period of time, I kept focus my attention on her, making the stressed girl that she already is even worse, more likely, she was thinking of me as a responsibility that needed to be taken care of. Gradually, she wasn't thinking of me as her boyfriend anymore (a boyfriend which always able to reduce her stress whenever she wants it). And that made her even tighten, as she is always the one who loves freedom. And believe me, I really do love seeing her being carefree and doing the things she wants, because i can really see that those are the things that made her very simply, happy. :)

But then, i guessed what really ended up was, after she started seeing me as a responsibility (and now that she already labelled me as "annoying"). Through this, i can really see how she tried her best to give me affection and love. And on that day, her reason she wanted to broke up was this: tired. She said she was tired of the responsibility of being needed to cheer me and entertain me as if I was one of her "clients". Another reason she said was, she does not have any affection or some might say "feeling" towards me any more as due to the long distance.

What came to me today was, the true reason why we broke up is, her life and my life were too "busy", as if everyday there will be stuffs needed to be taken care of... And when we are too immersed into these stuffs, we will gradually lose interests in keeping the things we held on, including our love life. Because our lives are just too interesting and it always has a way to tempt us from forgetting why we are keeping it.

And, although this is a problem I can see clearly, but i still think that i don't want to give up on her.
The reason why I suddenly understand why, and her true feeling is because, we both have chemistry.
I really felt that we both have a lot in common, our goals, our interests, our mindsets. I do really believe we have a lot of potential together being each other's partner. Together we really can achieve a lot, especially learning and experiencing life together (sounds very deep and mature, i know~ haha)

She is my Mrs Right, and i hope to gain her back. Cause in the end, although we are separated, and our lives tend to get really "busy", but i do believe, if we can take both our energies and focus more on creating stuffs together, we really can go through life together, and i do believe this would solve our problem. Soooo.. wish me luck!

Peace out.