未完成的功课

现在的我，彻底明白当时她的心情了。为什么当初的她会就这样离开了。

感恩这位重要的人，让我看见自己的学习。

当人与人之间发生摸擦，发生争执时，原因并不是我们往往想的那样——因为他人的不好。

不是因为他人这个态度，这个习性，这个举动害我们发生这样的事情。

不是因为那句：“都是因为他啦，害我们现在这样，都是他哪里哪里哪里错。” 

或许，的确，他本身有不足的地方（但有谁没有不足之处呢？）。

我想说的是，其实发生人与人之间，发生的不愉快之事，其实是个学习过程。

又是那老套的话吧？张彦航整天爱把“学习”两个字挂在嘴上。

但没错，的确是学习。

我相信，因为自己的业力，也因为他人的业力，当然加上了不同的缘，促使我们在一起（当然，我不是单说爱情，也包括亲情，友情等）。也因为我们只是人，所谓人就是依然和“烦恼”这两个字息息相关，人所带的业力，促使一切的发生，管他开心或不开心。

而在这情况下，人与人就发生争执和摸擦。但其实，这摸擦的发生，像我所说的，因为自己的业障，所以才显现。它的发生其实是因为之前过去的不足，不完美，而在这世或此刻才发生的。简单来说，就是之前我们没把功课做好，现在的我们就必须面对后果。

但就因为这样，停留在后果吗？并不是，反而我会想是个“未完成的功课” 。它其实就在提醒我们哪里做的不足，哪里是过去还没做好的功课，必须此刻下功夫，以“面对它，接受它，处理它，放下它”的心态面对。

换句话说，摸擦会发生是因为生命有一些事情想要你学习。

在这情况中，那位重要的人让我看见以前的我，以前的我是如何把自己的重心放在她身上。促使她喘不过气来，而走了。而我，今天也站在她的角度，才看见原来她是非常辛苦的。此刻的我，才深深明白自己的不足。

但，反而，奇妙的是，当我们选择面对，接受和处理后，自己的心情，其实不是负面的，真的是正面的。你会觉得开心，舒服，自在。这是因为，你真的看见了，你真的感受到了，所谓你已经不再这烦恼中轮回了。所以，一旦一个人面对，接受，处理后，依然觉得不开心。那表示本身还没在烦恼中找到自己的答案，这功课始终未完成，就这样在苦中轮回。

也因为面对，接受和处理后，最后的步骤——放下就来的容易。就像熊妈妈曾经说过，一旦我们真的做好前面那三个“它”后，最后的“它”比想象中来的容易，是完全不再有任何的感情纠结，没有任何的不舍，就简单的，放下了。

我不知道现在的我可以说出这样的东西表示我是否放下了没。或许之后再看到有让我想起她的东西，又在进入轮回，哈哈。但，我这次会提醒自己，这表示是自己“未完成的功课”，因此必须好好去观察“苦”的根源。同时呢，也要提醒自己，不去特意去想多多，纠结在为什么还没发现到“苦”何在。因为像我说的，也必须看自己的业力 和 缘，当因缘成熟，自然会显现出来，所以我们在这过程中该怎么说呢？简单，好好地做自己。

祝福 她 能够面对自己的 烦恼。

祝福 这位让我有这么 丰富学习的人 能够坚强长大。

祝福 我自己能够活在当下，把握和精进在每一个学习。

晚安。 :)

突然好想你。

Short Sem来了，果然过得很充实。SYN, Assignment, Report, midterm, 佛学活动，交际活动，一切都让这sem添上了不少的色彩。但，你相信吗？过了那么久了，我还是依然放不下。

朋友家人都以为我没事了，因为在他们面前我学会挂上了微笑的脸庞，学会了坚强。换上个新发型，学会多打扮，让人家都觉得我，真的不一样了。但，在心里，有多少的不一样呢？

过了6个月多了，心里还是依然在想她。几乎每个早晨的冲凉房里，胡思乱想的就是与她不再一起走下去的日子。“为什么会发生这种事？”这问题，依然在自己的脑海中浮现。与她的一切一切回忆，开心与难过的回忆都如总不迟到的信鸽每天准时报到。

虽然6个月了，嘴上不再挂着她的事，但心里依然还不放。不是没事了，而是学会坚强，学会带着影子过每一天，每当信鸽来了，心情沉重了。心里也很不要脸的去想你是否也和我一样？都过得那么不开心？还是，其实你早已经放下了了许多血多，甚至完全没有我们的回忆，不管开心与不开心的回忆，已经没有任何牵挂。

偶尔的不甘心，不知足。也偶尔的纯傻。怎么傻？傻在心里有多莫地不甘心，却常常洗脑告诉自己，“她，快乐就好。”

常常告诉自己，若现在的她，真的很快乐，真的不需要我，那么我就从她生命中消失吧。只为了，不再给她更多的烦恼。

“若当初”这三个字根本就是不实用的东西，多想也没有用，但还是会去想。想：“为什么？”

她，是我选择的。所以，一切的发生，的确是自己必须承担面对的。一切的爱错，就告诉自己是自己的学习吧。她要的从来更本不是这样的爱。我，爱错了，也爱太深了。

充实归充实，但充实到不再认得自己，有何处呢？

祝 你依然一切顺利，过得开开心心

愿 生命指引我，导向更好的明天

Year 2 Semester 2

Hey guys! Guess what? Remember that small getaway with Faguang Shifu that I mentioned in the previous post? Well... Eventually, I cancelled off all my programs I had for that period of time and spontaneously, went to Malacca and followed Shifu to Cameron and came back to Malacca again! That whole experience took 1 week of my semester break, and no, I didn't regret it! It was an unforgettable yet fun experience overall. And of course, during the whole trip, I had my ups and downs, and I promised myself to write a 心得 about it, yet I've been slacking after coming back from the trip, but now that school reopens, I guess I can give myself some little motivation to write the 心得. So yea, I OWE myself, and you guys a 心得! Haha.

Okay, enough talk about the trip, the current time now is 0031, 26/10/15. So, that means today is the official day school reopens! Frankly, I'm quite looking forward to this semester. Looked through last semester, and I was really really indeed very grateful that I didn't fail my subjects, and coincidentally the results is the same as my Y1S1 results. A heart-broken experience happened last semester, and that leaded to me living a lifestyle which involves mostly procrastination. I was literally a walking zombie for last semester.

However, this semester, I want to be different, I want a new start. I want to forget the past, and live on ahead, I want to strive to be better and live up to my highest potential. Also, however, things are always easier said than done, there still be personal problems and obstacles that I have to face, such as the temptation of housemates inviting to play games and such. But still, I have to believe myself, and keep reminding myself to be aware of what I truly want in life. Always live like dying. Appreciate. Cherish. And take chances when there are.

So... yea.. I guess that's all I have to say about this new semester.

Lloyd, its time to wake up. You can do it. Cause you are the FRIGGIN' AWESOME LLOYD TEOH, aren't you not? :)

Last words:
Year 2 Semester 2, get ready, cause here I come!

Semester Break has Begun?

Well... I know I haven't been blogging for quite some time already, so I think I should at least give myself a "be-with-myself" moment to arrange and express some of my thoughts to the things which had happened recently.

So, semester break just started! *yippee* Although there wasn't much difference before and after sittings for finals. I was the same old slacking me, in fact, I might had gotten even worse, I had lose the spirit to fight for finals, you can say that I'm not as keen to push up my grades as the previous semester. One of the reasons is firstly, to be honest, the break-up that happened in June really had taken a huge toll on me. During that period, I didn't have the interests to attend school, I find it hard to keep myself motivated. And so, I skipped classes, most of them. Until when finals was just around the corner that I realized there were plenty of syllables that I had to catch up. Also, now that I had moved to a new environment, the hostel which I'm staying is a lot more merrier than ever, housemates are just so warm and friendly that almost everyday we have something to laugh at. And also, this comes with some disadvantages, almost everyday me and the boys would played dotA at least 1 round. If its not dotA, then it would be going out for supper or playing cards with the girls. But seriously, I enjoyed being accompanied by you guys, the house that you guys lighted up also had lighted my heart in some ways. Thanks guys. :)

Now that semester break just started, what are the plans I have in mind? Well, firstly, there are some responsibilities which is related to SYN and BMSM that I have to tend to, so there's no escaping from that. Other than that, I plan to focus more on doing the things I like and have more quality time with myself. In my mind, there are a lot of things which I would love to do in this semester, those of which are as below:

1. Plan a small getaway! - I am really hoping that I can take my bag and just escape. Escape to where ever that provides peace and serenity, so that there are plenty of time I can be with myself and reflect upon myself on the past, present and future, you know, get myself clear out of the craps and find clarity in how should I live my life next. That's why I intend to stay in Faguang Shifu's monastery for a few days, but sadly, he will not be in for these few weeks as he has talks to give every where.
In fact, he even invited me to tag along with him to his talks in Cameron and Kelantan. It would be really fun, and honestly, I am eager to go there, however I won't be free on those days. *sigh*

2. Working - Yes, you hear me right, I plan to work in this holiday. The reason is not just only to earned some allowance, but also, the main reason is that I wish to donate some of the money to the Syrian refugees. Yesterday, I looked through the UNCHR website (which belongs to the UN's refugee agency), and I found this:

And as much as I wanted to help, I think with my limitations, I can only donate for 50 USD, which if it converts from RM, it would be around RM220. However, there's are challenges in finding part-time jobs.

3. Drawing manga - inspired by the animes that I recently watched, I felt like giving a shot in manga, as an interest and also express myself more during this free time.

4. Taking up guitar and drum lessons - As an interest, but sadly, Caleb will not be free during these few weeks too, and that means I would have to either take up lessons from else where (which I'm not really comfortable with) or just let go of this thought.

So, yea... also now that I'm at home, surely my mum will ask me to do some chores and help out on her work and stuffs. *sigh* Haha, so hope that I can spend my time wisely and live it to its fullest!

I guess I will stop blogging for now, and by then I will keep updating myself.

Peace out.

Partings

In life, each and every one of us face partings, despite we want it or not. Parting itself is not the issue, but the feeling of parting is, and it is a weird one too.

Today, one of my closet pal just flied to Beijing to further his studies, me and the UTAR gang went to send him off as an official farewell. To be honest, I never thought I would really felt this unwillingness. Before he went off, we are still happily joking around and chatting as usual, as if nothing big or significant was happening, there wasn't a sense of parting, not even when we took group photos. Not until my buddy's mom suddenly rushed toward him and gave him a hug, a big warmth motherly hug, a hug which symbolizes a mother's deepest love and affection towards her parting son. And that's when we all suddenly realized this: My pal here is actually LEAVING. Leaving in terms of that you will never get to see him again for a few months. From what used to be every Sundays meet up to organizing a camp together, and until today. He was, leaving. And just when he said the last goodbye to us all, and seeing him walking along the corridor, this popped out of my head, thinking: "He's actually leaving. There will be no more Tingyew for a time being.". And just then, the emotions started to sink in.

It's rare for me to face such partings, I guess its because I felt that almost everyone that I hold dearly are always there by my side, making me feel simply, warmth and happy. However, what I experienced today was the same as the day that I visited my ex, which is the feeling that some bit of my heart just tore down, and the feeling of loneliness kicks in. Bits of pain, bits of unwillingness and bits of loneliness. So I see, this is the feeling of parting.

And from this, I realized something, humans are really funny and slow creatures. When someone or something is taken from our life, only then we start to feel the sense of losing, and just only then we feel that we haven't been appreciating that someone or something's presence enough, and taken it for granted. I find it very amusing but at the same time, this feeling makes me feel more alive, more human, and i guess you could say this is life?

So, I guess this experience also serves as a reminder to me, that is to appreciate and treat each and every one of the people around me sincerely, whether is just acquaintance or best bros, cause you never know when will they disappear from  your life. Just. Appreciate.

P/s: For that specific guy that just flied to Beijing, remember to stay YOLO and live hard, play hard! You better be in good shape (in spite of academic or in life) when I see you again, because surely I will not be losing to you too! Let's add oil! Wish you all the best! :)

Choice.

Always remind myself:
Every choice that I made will be and always be the best choice (in fact there's no absolute perfect choice), because behind it there is something that is needed to be learnt. :)

Science and spirituality: Jeff Lieberman at TEDxCambridge 2011

I find the video that I'm going to share very inspiring. This guy in the video is Jeff Lieberman, an MIT-trained artist, scientist and engineer, who makes a scientific argument for mystical experience.
And in this video, he shared his theory of what us humans are, just what exactly are we? Human? Energy? Or consciousness?

Indeed, it not only share the core essence of Buddhism, but also other religion. I find it truly astonishing for someone who is able to go as detailed as him. A complete mind-blown I would say, and after seeing the video, one thing comes into my head: "Why worry?".

Hope this video inspires all of you who are reading this.

Sadhu.